Not the artsiest picture ever, but certainly representative of the last few months!

Many thanks to my friends who have been so unbelievably supportive throughout this summer- thank you for your prayers, encouragement and insight. 

After much prayer, deliberation and well, yes, maybe a little obsessing, I have decided that now seems to be the time to make a CD. 

I sat in with a band the other night- just a few songs- at a small club and I had one of the best nights of my life. I didn't know for sure if I would enjoy performing- worship leading really is (or should be) something different, and I didn't know if I would enjoy the change. But I absolutely LOVED it. The players in the band are friends that I have played with for many years, so for me, it was comfortable and like coming home. The only element missing that night was the absence of my forever supportive husband, who was at home caring for our teeny tinys. 

For all of my over-analyzing and fear of financial insecurity, I had the over-whelming sense that this is, indeed, an opportunity not to pass up. I have no idea if it will result in anything other than "hey, remember when we recorded a few songs?" but I'm willing to commit 100% to it, to see what God has in mind. I had a job interview for a day job and I was actually relieved when I didn't get the job. I had begun to really think that, while waiting tables is a bit of a humble pill to swallow, it is the best option for me and my family right now. Getting to play with my littlest boy during the day is priceless. 

I finally had to let go of determining what the end result should look like- though I do have one lofty goal: there are many artists out there, Christian and otherwise, whose music and live performances are so provoking, so beautiful, so passionate that they create opportunities for worship, depending on the listener. I don't know if God has given me this same gift- He may not. My goal during this project and as I work on getting better at live performances is to see if this is how He has gifted me. I wonder if perhaps He has equipped me to "lead worship" outside of the church walls. I'll be hoping for honest feedback- and where art is concerned, there usually isn't a short supply of opinions. :) 

Again, thank you friends for your prayers and support. Community is an amazing thing. 

Waiting, still...

I'm never quite ready for fall, though it is one of my favorite seasons. This year its arrival seems to be pushing me into a new season of my life that I don't feel ready for. Yet, here it is. 

This summer was an interesting one- a forced sabbatical that I both resent and am extremely grateful for. It started out miserable, for my inability to let go of the financial insecurity that enveloped me. Slowly but surely I began to practice peace- that is, willfully trusting that God has provided in the past, and will continue to provide, though it may not look the way I want. 

I began to enjoy the time with my boys. My husband and I embarked on a journey to India, taking our oldest son, leaving the baby with my mother. What a wonderful place, awakening all my senses through beautiful color, aromas and dedicated spirituality. Our trip was a vision trip, a learning trip to understand the plight of the Dalit people, so it was also filled with heartbreak and sobering thoughts of an understanding of the Hindu system of living. 

During this time, I have felt God drawing me towards Him in a deeper way. Not necessarily a different way, just deeper. I picked up Eugene Petereson's devotional book "Solo"- a journey through the bible (The Message translation) utilizing the spiritual practice of lectio divina. I absolutely love it, and recommend it to anyone searching for a way to enter back into the scriptures from a less analytical or didactic way. 

My spiritual practice of prayer seems to be coming more alive (this is not an area of great strength for me, or at least, of regular practice) and I am loving the pace of life that allows me to contemplate and pray over breakfast or lunch, rather than multi-task 3 or 4 different things. 

I have become aware that my call to be a worship leader extends beyond my time at my church, and that at some point, I will be a worship leader again. I get to wait until God brings about the right opportunity at the right time. I have a tremendous amount of peace about this and really don't have any trouble trusting that God will bring about the right situation. He has done so so often that I'm actually just really happy that He's told me to wait. I can do that. In this area of my life, it is easy to be faithful. 

Now, what I do in the meantime seems to be more of a mystery. I oscillate between my incessant need to be responsible and my new-found enjoyment to a slower pace of life. I'm waiting tables, which I have to confess, is extremely humbling. I'm not above waiting tables- quite the contrary. I used to love it and it afforded for me a free lifestyle. That was 10 years ago, though, and it's a different pill to swallow after having tasted a job that I feel I was made to do. However, I am grateful to be at this restaurant and am trying hard to view it as my opportunity to love this handful of people I would not otherwise be in contact with. 

Being prone to over-analyze, much to the consternation of my husband, I find myself at a loss at some of the opportunities before me. Knowing my call is to be a worship leader, I am suddenly drained of all ambition to pursue a new career path. I have a couple of other options on the table, which I have pro'd and con'd to death, and am still unsure how to navigate this "waiting" time that autumn seems to be reminding me is here. 

At the foremost of my second-guessing is this opportunity I have to make an album. An investor approached me about putting together an LP as an opportunity to jump-start a career as a performing artist. There are no limitations as to what style of music or even content. Anything I want to do, he's ok with. He sees this as an opportunity to help me out, and if the record sells, to maybe make a little bit of money back. Without exception, every single person I have told about this opportunity looks at my hesitation with wonderment, feeling as though it should be a no-brainer for me. I mean, really- how many people get this opportunity? 

So why isn't it a no-brainer? Why have I been talking to this guy for months, without making any progress towards a contract? Is it a gut feeling that this isn't what I should be focusing on? Is it fear? I simply don't know. On the one hand, I see the opportunity of a lifetime- to create any kind of music I want, with no limitations other than my own. I could try to promote it by doing some live shows here- and if it had any kind of success, maybe there would be a future for me with some kind of financial prospect. I try to picture myself in this role- but it is very difficult. Ambition is not a word anyone would use to describe me. And ambition seems to be the number one ingredient of those who "make it." 

I think about how fun it would be to collaborate with some musicians here that I know. I listen to live recordings from artists like Erykah Badu and Jill Scott, whose bands are so unbelievable I often just sit in awe and in tears. And if I had that opportunity, to do music of that caliber, to make that kind of money and tour... well, would I choose that or choose to be a worship leader at a church I was passionate about? Can both exist in one role? 

Perhaps the lyrical content of my music could take on the tone of a worship leader- calling people to remember, calling people to love through serving, reminding people of the rhythm of life and spirituality. Could the tone of my concerts take on that of a worshiping experience, regardless of faith? Could they be shaped by the four-fold in a way that is subtle, yet compelling? Could I embody those values as a performing artist as I would as a worship leader? Is it at all possible that this could be what God is calling me to?

Or is this a colossal distraction? Should I follow the check in my gut that seems to be telling me this really isn't what I was created to do?

For those that know me, your input would be greatly appreciated. I really feel that to jump into this endeavor, I need to be 100% committed to doing everything I can to "succeed", or I will be taking this guy's money without the kind of integrity I live by. It will also require sacrifices from my family, which I am not willing to make if I don't really feel that this is what I am supposed to be doing. Perhaps I'm putting too much weight on this, but I don't know how else to approach it. 

Time To Say Goodbye

I'm officially resigning/laid off from my job. I am just waiting to hear that they are 100% certain they are offering a job to this other guy, and what day he will start. Likely I will be done May 31.

The whole thing feels very surreal to me, and I can't help but continue to compare it to a break up. I'm all over the different stages of grief. Sometimes I'm at peace about it. But sometimes I'm anywhere from angry to sad to dumbfounded. I led the services at my co-worker's location on Sunday since he was out of town, and the services went fabulously. I left feeling so angry. I walked out knowing that I'm really good at my job (despite the arrogance that suggests) and I can't fucking believe they are letting me go. I still feel that most days.

This new guy they're bringing in is your very typical worship leader: he's white, male, in his 30's with a hip hair cut and fashionable jeans, and of course, he plays the acoustic guitar. He definitely fits the formula for success. It makes my stomach hurt a little bit.

As soon as I get the final word from the boys upstairs, I will be able to notify the rest of the staff and all of my volunteers. I have talked to a few close friends about it. They're all really shocked. For many, I'm hearing that they have felt uneasy about the changes at my church, and my being laid off confirms their fears. It seems almost more symbolic to them than anything else. Several people have told me that I somehow embody this culture of our church that we love, so it's a bigger deal to them that I was laid off- more so than just being bummed out for me.

I don't know what is next for me just yet. I've been applying for different jobs, but there's a part of me that is still mourning the loss of this job that I love- it makes it very difficult to objectively look at some other jobs that I will even just like, assuming I can tolerate it at all. I have been so unbelievably blessed to have a job I love so much. I never expected that, not being particularly career-minded, and there isn't a day that has gone by that I have taken it for granted. It's a bitter pill to swallow to know that I will likely have to join the ranks of millions of people that have to take whatever work they can to put food on the table. It's deeply depressing, but I realize very well that we have to do what we have to do, and I've been lucky to have enjoyed a job as long as I did. It's hard for me to be hopeful that God would provide something else remotely close to this job. I want to be faithful, but it's very hard.

Well, I need to be off to write my email to staff, volunteers and friends to give them the news. I know technically since I'm being laid off it really isn't my responsibility to tell everyone, but I just can't sit back and have everyone talking about me- it feels too much like I'm a victim. And while I certainly did not instigate these turn of events, I did have some say in them. I just need to feel like I have a sense of power in here somehow... Anyway. I'll try to post again when I have something new to share; hopefully it will be an idea of a new direction to head into. Peace for now.

Almost Peace...

I chose this image because I like the effect the red filter had in creating a surreal environment, and I like that the bridge is obviously leading somewhere, though we can't see exactly where. Appropriate for where I am at the moment.

I think the conclusion I am coming to is that it is time to resign as the worship leader for my site. It seems less likely that I would be the worship leader for the new site, though a position with the new site isn't totally out of the question. I'm going to talk with the neighborhood pastor in the next few days about a possibility more as a volunteer/sunday director. But it seems pretty up in the air, and definitely not a guarantee.

My conclusion is that I am a relational worship leader. I lead through relationships. People in the congregation respond to me because they sense a guilelessness about me that helps them to trust me. People that volunteer for me seem to love it (for the most part) because I work hard to set them up for success and I also try hard to make their involvement about more than just getting their task done. I try hard to invest in them personally. And for a long time, I think this is exactly what my church has needed. My particular gifts are great for smaller sized churches, where the emphasis is very much on belonging, inviting, conversation and community.

Being relationally motivated causes me to value things about Sunday like contextualizing the message in a conversational way; creating a warm, friendly, cozy atmosphere (devoid of pretense); being a very casual up-front leader in my words and gestures. I believe Sundays are important for us to gather and reflect on what God is doing and has done, for us to connect, and to be sent out. I believe transformation happens more in the context of relationships and real conversation, typically outside of Sunday services, though I do believe the culture of Sunday services influences how these conversations take place (if at all).

What my church, and others moving into a larger size, needs is a different kind of worship leader. My church needs a worship leader who is so motivated by what God does during the Sunday services that production is their number one thought, day in and day out. This person eats, sleeps and breaths Sunday services because they believe it is the best tool to engage people of all stages of faith. This person is super charasmatic and leads from up-front with tons of enthusiasm and personality. They are engaging right from the get-go.

I'm comfortable with this shift. I'm understanding more about myself which allows me to be more accepting of how others may be wired. I am fairly confident that regardless of how hard I try to be more concerned with Sunday production, I'm not ever going to be passionate about it, because God wired me with a completely different motivation. And that's ok. In fact, the thought of working my ass off for Sundays, even more so than I already have been for six years, is so completely exhausting to me that it is a relief to stand back and realize that I'm just not cut for it.

This past Tuesday my boss and I left the conversation with me needing to figure out what my calling is. I told him I need some more time to pray about it, but I think we both knew even then what conclusion I would come to. I appreciate his willingness to let me figure it out on my own and staying in the process with me. It's terrifying to think that in a few days (we meet again on Tuesday) that I am probably going to resign from this job. Not effective immediately, but at some point. He's already got a guy coming in this weekend to lead my services while I lead my co-worker's at the other location. I felt a little sick to my stomach talking to this guy yesterday. Especially when he really would rather just give the band lyric sheets with the chords written above the words... I have no idea how that's going to go over with my guys- all of whom are fairly spoiled with my notated charts explicitely showing the form of the song, dynamics etc. But whatever. Probably, it'll go off beautifully, even if my musicians hate the process, and they'll hire the guy starting June 1 or something.

I have no idea what might be next for me. I actually applied for a few jobs last night online. I don't actually expect to hear anything from any of them- I just figured it can't hurt. I think I would enjoy acting as an assistant neighborhood pastor to the new site, leading all the volunteers- but they just eliminated both assistant NP positions at our two locations, so I'm not really sure exactly how that's going to work... Mostly I'm trying to hold all of this with an open hand- something God taught me the value of a while ago. It's especially terrifying to face this with two kiddos, though.

Thanks to Amy & Happy Gram for responding to the last post with encouragement. I do really appreciate it. I agree with Happy Gram- our big churches are trying to do what they do to the best of their ability, and there's a lot of good in that. My husband has no interest in leaving my church, whether I'm on staff or not, so I think I need to keep looking for the good things resulting from Sundays, and seek whatever I feel is lacking either elsewhere, or try to create it within my church context in a different setting than Sundays. More to come after my next conversation with my boss... thank you for your prayers.

From Possible to Very Likely

Another follow up conversation with my boss. He pursued me after Tuesday's conversation because he felt, as I did, that we really didn't connect, and things still aren't very settled. Pretty intuitive for a guy who's usually relationally challenged. (Ok- sorry for the sarcasm. I'll park it here.)

He was very candid with me that he senses I'm just not excited or enthusiastic about the job. That's certainly true- lately I have been sitting in the planning meetings watching everyone else laugh at stupid humor, wondering why I'm not joining in. Certainly I'm not above stupid jokes. My enthusiasm for spending hours and hours in production/planning meetings is waning. What I love about my job is the people- music is the super-cool-i-love-this perk. I'd much rather spend a lot of time developing people. My boss said that the job is definitely moving towards full-time production.

He offered the new site as a possibility- one that we're hoping to launch in the next 12 months. It'll be smaller, which I like, and I love the guy who will be the neighborhood pastor. Working with him has been a blast thus far. I really dig the social action-neighborhood ethos he just oozes.

As I was processing a little bit with the girls in my supper club last night, I realized that actually, this possibility might be a great fit for me. I understand the ethos of our church culture better than almost anyone- maybe an ongoing roll for me would be to launch the new sites and raise up a leader to replace me. Then I would be in the smaller context I prefer, I'd get to influence the launch of the new location, and actively training new leaders, which I also love. It is certainly worth pursuing. I'm confident that the neighborhood pastor of the site we're hoping to launch soon would love to have me. I'm not so sure that future neighborhood pastors will necessarily feel the same- likely they'd want to start with a worship leader they've chosen and plan to keep around for a while. But it's worth talking about, I think.

I've been really bummed the last few hours, but there's a peace that God is in control of all of this. It's cliche, and I hate to use Christian cliches. There's really no other way to say it, though. There are only a few times that I have heard God speak very specific things to me. One of them was a few years back when my husband and I were planning to relocate. I heard God specifically say that it's not time for me to leave my church, and that when that time comes, I will know without any doubt, and it will be ok. There's a lot of peace in knowing that. It's pretty scary to think about losing my job- I don't have a ton to fall back on. I'll have to go scrounging around looking for extra pockets of trust in my life :)

Yeah... But Not Really.

I finally met with my boss yesterday for a follow up conversation from two months ago. I said that I felt a lot of the tension for me had to do with everything going through this evangelist lense, but that my role as a worship leader can't be so focused on the seeker group of people attending.

He goes, "Hmm. Well, I don't really think that's it."

Ooooo-K.

He feels like mostly what's happening is that I am mourning the loss of a size culture. Certainly, that's true. I don't know that that's all of it, but that is a part of it. I had hoped multi-site meant having lots of little churches all over our city. Clearly that isn't what it is going to look like for us, and I have to live with that. He said financially, he realized he couldn't make that model (lots of little churches) work, and he mourned that loss 2 years ago.

Overall it was a pretty good conversation, but not quite as "leave with that warm fuzzy feeling of mutual understanding and forgiveness" as I kind of had anticipated.

I think where that leaves me right now is trying to have more definition around what kind of culture we are trying to create. Definitely I'm mourning the loss of a culture- but it doesn't help to have no definition around where we are going. Or, maybe more accurately, I don't like what I THINK might be where my lead pastor is taking us. Perhaps my roll here is to help shape this future culture into something more palatable.

My boss readily admits he's more of a "just get out there and do it" kind of leader, rather than someone who wants to take time to be strategic about what we do, why, and how we get there. This makes me crazy to no end. And it burns me, and many others, out completely. I don't mind change, but I do have this nutty need for the change to be purposeful. If we come up with a plan, put it into action, and then realize that certain elements are not working, then by all means, let's go back to the table. But it feels much more whimsical, like, "hey- let's start a service! Just get some people and do it! Everything will come together!" And often, things do come together. But it won't be 6 months before the structure around what was started (or lack thereof) is evident and needs to be completely revamped, to the detriment of those who started it. They get a pat on the back at first- "Wow thanks for getting this up off the ground!" but then they also hear "But we're going to have to totally re-do how you did it." It's so defeating. My boss' opinion: but at least the service is off the ground. other churches or staffs would still be discussing how to do it, and would still be making adjustments and mistakes.

Anyway- that was sort of an aside rant. Sorry. Mostly, the purpose of me even mentioning it, is that for me to continue moving forward and following his leadership, I need to be able to exercise my strengths in strategic planning, putting some thought into what choices we are making and how they will impact our services, as well as the overall multi-site strategy of church growth. We'll see how welcome that input is.

One of the things I hope to do is spend some time in other churches, to get an idea of what is working well and what isn't. It has been so long since I have attended another church- I really don't know what all people are doing. Mostly I haven't cared all that much. But I am curious. Too bad there isn't any money out there to get to travel around. I may see what I can come up with.

He also mentioned that they may want me to go full time. I don't really know how I feel about that. Mostly it'll mean a lot of childcare for my kiddos. Which will be expensive. Just when we thought we were getting close to actually saving some money... I'm also afraid it will mean that I will have to disband my professional musicians, which would mega-suck. Have I posted about them? I'll have to do that. Another time.

Sundays... But For Whom?

I think most churches in our era and American culture, particularly post-80's, struggle with the question "who are Sunday services for?" With the boom of seeker-friendly mega churches, the answer is that Sunday services are for the seeker (with small groups mid-week more for feeding the believer). For many traditional churches, the answer is that Sunday services are for the believer (and consequently have few visitors outside of the faith). My church has worked hard to be somewhat of a both-and, rather than either-or.

It's a difficult balance to maintain. Worship is something we do in response to God's character and movement through humankind history- belief being somewhat of a pre-requisite to acknowledgement and response. But I believe that during our Sunday services, it is possible for believers to gather with this purpose in mind, and to do it in a way that is accessible and understandable for people of varying stages of faith, including no faith at all. Not everything the believer does is completely understood by those who don't share the same faith of course, but it is at least explained and then observed. I do think there are many times in a "non-believers" journey that they do respond in worship before they officially "believe".

My friend Sally Morgenthaller wrote a book a while ago called "Worship Evangelism". In some ways, she has since changed her views on some of what she wrote mostly, I think, because of the way her thoughts were interpreted by various churches. But mostly I think the concept of worshipping well as the best way to share faith is a good one.

I believe strongly that the concept of worship needs to be broadened, however. When I say that worshipping well is one of the best ways to share faith, I don't mean playing good, non-cheesy music and incorporating thought-provoking rituals during a worship service on Sundays. What I mean is that an individual taps into the understanding of loving people well, serving them and engaging with them in honest, learning dialogue- THAT kind of worship. I really believe the best "marketing" tool we have as a church is to be involved in holistic service to the immediate, surrounding community in a loving and non-judgmental way.

I think I am also coming to realize that deep down in my core, I don't believe that a service geared towards spiritual explorers is really the best way to draw in explorers or to engage with them as they ask questions of faith and possibility. This could be a signficant, fundamental difference between me and my lead pastor that may very well determine how long I stay the worship pastor.

In the past, it seemed that, in my role as the worship pastor, it was ok for me to see my role as more geared towards the believer, while constantly contextualizing for the spiritual explorers. I am very comfortable with this. It seems, though, that my lead pastor, who lives and breathes evangelism, wants all of his staff and in particular the worship leaders, to lead from the same place of evangelistic motivation that he does. What that means to me right now is that my filter for what songs I choose, what language I use, what rituals we incorporate and what liturgy or other element we choose to include or exclude should mostly be influenced by what the seeker needs, and not the believer.

I hope that that isn't what I am being asked to do, but it sure seems like that. I have a meeting with my lead pastor on Tuesday, and among one or two others things I believe we need to discuss, I think this definitely needs to be included.

I really WANT to be a part of a church full of people who are serving their friends, neighbors and strangers so well that there is a constant flow of spiritual explorers asking questions and attending our worship services. I would be so sad if that wasn't the case. I'm nervous to have this conversation with my boss because right now I feel like I am going to land on the other side of the line that he is drawing, and that will most certainly determine my fate. The reality that leading at this church may have a finite timeline is becoming much more tangible, and quite frankly, I'm scared of life outside of this role, and I'm saddened by that possibility.