My meeting went alright yesterday. It was about what I expected. My boss felt that he had communicated the changes to me, asking for feedback, and was surprised when I hadn't said much. He did apologize for all of the miscommunication. And to be fair, it's possible I missed some of what he was alluding to, in part because I was determined that it was not the direction we would head in.
It was a good and honest conversation. I said some difficult things, including my opinion of the changes in style of teaching. And as I expected, he is intentional about those changes. I was also very honest that if the direction of worship on Sundays is towards a polished, scripted, rehearsed top-to-bottom production, then I am probably not the right worship leader anymore. There's no moral judgment associated with that- it simply isn't me.
He talked some about his own struggles with whether or not he is the right person for the job- the right person to lead our church into the areas of growth he and the elders feel is what God has meant for us. He said right now, he does feel that he's the right guy. But if some end results don't substantially change in the next 12-18 months, then he may determine that he's not the right person, and he'll resign. He said the number of spiritual explorers attending Pathways is the smallest this fall that it has ever been, as well as the number of baptisms. I get and trust that this number is more than an ego trip- it represents real lives. My boss lives and breathes evangelism, so if that vision of the church isn't happening, I think he feels compelled to do whatever it takes to change the trajectory. My guess is that's why he's leaning towards this more typical seeker-friendly model, still hoping it is unique in some of the ways my church has always been unique.
To my statement that I may not be the right person moving forward, he didn't really respond one way or another. I expected for us to leave with some sort of probationary period for me- some defined amount of time for us to determine my future with the church. He didn't seem interested in being that exact, but I do think we are very much in that process. His "next step" was to stay in conversation- sort of a "wait and see".
And really, this is exactly where I knew I would end up after this conversation- I have the choice to get on board and give it a shot, or to quit.
I feel very strongly that when it is time for me to leave my church, I will know. Like, I will KNOW. God doesn't speak very often to me, at least not that specifically- but this is one of those occassions that He let me know He will be deliberate in showing me.
I don't have that sense that I need to give my resignation right now. I am tired and I'm not interested in going down this trajectory much further- but it isn't time to resign just yet. But for how much longer, I'm just not sure. I suppose I ought to be getting my resume together and continuing to pray a lot...
No comments:
Post a Comment