For Those Who Don't Quite Fit In...

I think it is safe to say that if there had been a vote many years back, I would have easily won the "Least Likely to be a Worship Leader" category. I was the girl who, regardless of how I tried to fit in to church culture, somehow managed to offend most of the people around me, save those who really knew me. My reluctance to relinquish affection for the Beastie Boys usually put most folks over the edge. Maybe you can relate.

8 years ago, I finally found a church that I could breath in. It was a smallish church, one service, about 150 people in the room. The first week I attended, I heard a pastor talk about attending the bachelor party of one of the other pastors the night before. He spoke of great friends, great beer, great cigars... I literally felt myself exhale. I hadn't realized I had been in some way holding my breath for years. Don't get me wrong- it's not that I think there is anything special about drinking or think it is particularly cool to talk about it during a Sunday message. I was just so relieved that there were other Christians out there that didn't subscribe to many of the rules I had always been taught were standard fare for all true Christians.

I never, ever thought that I would work for a church. I've loved music all of my life, but had never truly considered a career in it. It was a strange set of events that resulted in my accepting a paid position I had slowly emerged into as a volunteer, leading worship for the church I had come to love. I figured it would last 6 months. I had very low expectations of what it would be like to work for a church. I definitely did not come into it with naive hopes of ministerial bliss.

This blog is my solution for the need to process some of the highs and lows of my experiences as a staff member of this church over the last 6 years. I usually have to articulate what I am feeling before I really know what it is that I'm feeling, but it isn't always appropriate for me to do that with people I know. If they go to my church, I run the risk of tainted their view of the leadership team (because they may be told all about the conflict, but often I forget to then involve them in the resolution and redemption of the conflict, so they're left feeling angry and hurt on behalf of me). If I talk to another person on staff (I have the privilege of working with many individuals I enjoy and respect) then I run the risk of altering their view of things, or feeling that I am work business to them that really ain't their business. It's very sticky. My husband just asked me why I don't just write this out in a word document- I guess my answer is that I am throwing this out there in case there's anyone else from a similar perspective navigating some of the same things. Sometimes it's just nice to not feel like you're the only one.