Sundays... But For Whom?

I think most churches in our era and American culture, particularly post-80's, struggle with the question "who are Sunday services for?" With the boom of seeker-friendly mega churches, the answer is that Sunday services are for the seeker (with small groups mid-week more for feeding the believer). For many traditional churches, the answer is that Sunday services are for the believer (and consequently have few visitors outside of the faith). My church has worked hard to be somewhat of a both-and, rather than either-or.

It's a difficult balance to maintain. Worship is something we do in response to God's character and movement through humankind history- belief being somewhat of a pre-requisite to acknowledgement and response. But I believe that during our Sunday services, it is possible for believers to gather with this purpose in mind, and to do it in a way that is accessible and understandable for people of varying stages of faith, including no faith at all. Not everything the believer does is completely understood by those who don't share the same faith of course, but it is at least explained and then observed. I do think there are many times in a "non-believers" journey that they do respond in worship before they officially "believe".

My friend Sally Morgenthaller wrote a book a while ago called "Worship Evangelism". In some ways, she has since changed her views on some of what she wrote mostly, I think, because of the way her thoughts were interpreted by various churches. But mostly I think the concept of worshipping well as the best way to share faith is a good one.

I believe strongly that the concept of worship needs to be broadened, however. When I say that worshipping well is one of the best ways to share faith, I don't mean playing good, non-cheesy music and incorporating thought-provoking rituals during a worship service on Sundays. What I mean is that an individual taps into the understanding of loving people well, serving them and engaging with them in honest, learning dialogue- THAT kind of worship. I really believe the best "marketing" tool we have as a church is to be involved in holistic service to the immediate, surrounding community in a loving and non-judgmental way.

I think I am also coming to realize that deep down in my core, I don't believe that a service geared towards spiritual explorers is really the best way to draw in explorers or to engage with them as they ask questions of faith and possibility. This could be a signficant, fundamental difference between me and my lead pastor that may very well determine how long I stay the worship pastor.

In the past, it seemed that, in my role as the worship pastor, it was ok for me to see my role as more geared towards the believer, while constantly contextualizing for the spiritual explorers. I am very comfortable with this. It seems, though, that my lead pastor, who lives and breathes evangelism, wants all of his staff and in particular the worship leaders, to lead from the same place of evangelistic motivation that he does. What that means to me right now is that my filter for what songs I choose, what language I use, what rituals we incorporate and what liturgy or other element we choose to include or exclude should mostly be influenced by what the seeker needs, and not the believer.

I hope that that isn't what I am being asked to do, but it sure seems like that. I have a meeting with my lead pastor on Tuesday, and among one or two others things I believe we need to discuss, I think this definitely needs to be included.

I really WANT to be a part of a church full of people who are serving their friends, neighbors and strangers so well that there is a constant flow of spiritual explorers asking questions and attending our worship services. I would be so sad if that wasn't the case. I'm nervous to have this conversation with my boss because right now I feel like I am going to land on the other side of the line that he is drawing, and that will most certainly determine my fate. The reality that leading at this church may have a finite timeline is becoming much more tangible, and quite frankly, I'm scared of life outside of this role, and I'm saddened by that possibility.

Hard To Avoid Sarcasm When...

So at our production meeting on Friday, we were (finally) planning our Easter services (that are in two weeks). The worship coordinator says, "Oh- do we have to have baptisms on Easter?" I laughed, thinking he was just adding a little sarcastic humor because OF COURSE we are going to have baptisms on Easter. He says, "No, seriously- do we have to have baptisms on Easter?"

Really? Are you kidding me? First, my lead pastor is wigging out because we haven't had as many baptisms as he would like- so where is this "no baptisms on easter" crap coming from?!

I was so surprised I had a hard time even responding. Easter is THE Sunday to get baptized- of all the 52 Sundays in the year, that's the ONE you get baptized on. And not just at my church- but Good Lord- all over the world and throughout history. It's difficult not to respond with copious amounts of sarcasm. I'm supposed to meet with my lead pastor on Tuesday, to continue the conversation we had a few weeks ago. I guess I'll hear from him then. I assume this push is coming from him, and not just the worship coordinator. I just can't figure out what else could be more important to include during the Easter service than baptisms and communion. I mean, if that's ALL we did, we would have a great service. But whatever.

Imag? I-NO!

The last two weeks of meetings have actually been alright. The extra effort seems to be paying off. For the most part, I feel like we've been able to marry the message topic with the four-fold without compromising the four-fold too much. The meetings are somewhat exhausting because we're in the place where I'm having to defend a song for 10 minutes, explaining and re-explaining why it's the right choice. It's not that I'm not open to other suggestions, but I put a lot of thought into what songs I choose for each part of the service and it gets old having to revisit each song each week. I'm hoping that gets less laborious as we go on.

I found out today that the plan is to get an imag camera up and running by April. I'm not thrilled about this development at all. Apparently, the reasoning is that they want the congregation to get used to seeing the teacher on the screen, so that when we start a new site in the future, we can have the option to do video teaching. People will already be used to it.

I don't love the idea for a few reasons. The first reason is that i don't think our room is really big enough to warrant the teacher's mug up on the giant screens- it feels like overkill. Second, though, and probably more important, is that we lose the pieces of art that we were involved in the message. My lead pastor said he may even put the worship leaders up on the screen, which is mortifying to me. I'm thinking probably not at our site because it's easier to see the people on stage, but he didn't mention it for no reason. Besides not wanting to have my own mug up on the giant screens, we would definitely lose the art up on the screens that is such a vital part of our worship services.

This is one of those pieces of the Sunday puzzle that isn't a theological issue- it's not a moral issue- it is somewhat of a philosophical issue- but mostly it's a cultural issue. I vacillate back and forth between really wanting to be 100% on board and thinking surely I'm just overreacting; but then these sorts of details come up and I get that sinking feeling again that I may not be at this job for as long as I had hoped.

Hanging On

Just a quick post because it's late, and of course, tomorrow is Sunday. I had a good conversation with our lead elder. She did a great job listening. She said she felt that my lead pastor is actually in a pretty centered space; that she certainly sees a sense of urgency in where we are and the decisions that need to be made, but not a sense of panic. She said she hadn't picked up on anything related to the culture of our church changing, though she is admittedly not "in the trenches". As an elder, her role is to oversee the ends, not the means. My issue has been that the means can shift the culture of the ends, and that is what has me concerned. Her thought was to continue asking the questions I'm asking, which of course, I will do.

Immediately after that I had a production meeting with the new consultant, our lead pastor and the other worship leader I work with. It was a fun meeting and I think we worked through a lot of details that should hopefully make the services we have coming up much stronger. As we talked about the invocation, the thought was to also introduce this weeks' topic because it is a heavy one, and we don't want to take anyone by surprise. I gently reminded everyone that we also need to make sure that the invocation is also about remembering who God is. I didn't get a lot of push back on it, but not a lot of "OH yea, no doubt. Let's definitely do that" either. So I crafted it to fit both.

I left feeling somewhat more hopeful. My plan is to take notes during our meetings, writing down questions I have, frustrations or areas of compromise where I feel like we're making progress. I hope that after a few weeks I'll have a better sense of whether my fears are turning to reality or not. I certainly hope not. We'll see. More soon.

Not What I Had Hoped

Sounds like the Elder retreat this weekend didn't come up with the results I was praying for. I haven't heard any details around Saturday, but my boss said Friday was a bust. She said it started out that everyone was on the same page regarding where they felt God was leading us (and more importantly, how), except my lead pastor. By the end of the day, it was apparent to everyone that he was absolutely unwaivering in what he wanted to accomplish. One of the Elders eventually said something to the effect of, "___, it sounds like you just need to make your decisions, and we'll just need to decide if we are on board or not."

That was very disheartening for me to hear. I was praying that my lead pastor would really listen and be willing to yield if the consensus was different than where he was leaning. Or at the very least, that the Elders would say, "Oh yeah- we are in agreement that this plan to grow to 2000 in the next 24 months is right on." I would be able to trust more if the Elders were on board. But it sounds like- and I am hoping to meet with our lead elder soon to actually get more concrete data- that the Elders eventually gave up fighting and are in the same boat I am. I don't know how Saturday's meeting went because the site pastors (my boss) were not invited to that portion. However, the exec pastor told my boss that everything goes forward as they had been planning before the retreat, so my guess is that Saturday went about the same as Friday.

I've been working on my resume and I just contacted a friend who does event planning for a company to hear more about what she does and how she got into it. But the possibility of leaving isn't really in my mind. I had a great Sunday yesterday. I adore the people I work with. The musicians I have the privelege of singing with are out of this world- something I'm not likely to find again anytime soon. I mean, how many times do you get to throw a Fred Hammond chart in front of a group of musicians and have them pull it off near flawlessly? The quality of music they produce every single week is outstanding-- even as I left last night I was thinking, "how could I ever leave this?" I'll have to post more about how cool it has been getting to know the musicians, in particular. Half of them don't follow Christ and it has been so amazing to be a part of their lives and it is unbelievable humbling to see them trust me as a person and as a Christian more than they did when they first began playing for me.

One of my vocalists turned to me last night immediately after the service and said, "I need 30 seconds of your time. I need to tell you that I love volunteering for you. You give way more than you take from your volunteers and I love being here serving with you."

How on earth could I ever find another job as satisfying as this one?

A Source of Pride

At our smaller staff meeting today, it was evident that the changes are being felt by every staff member- not just me. Several co-workers have put their jobs on the line in part to defend me, in part to defend the things they also champion that they sense are changing. I'm a little afraid for them, but they've been on staff a long time and know the risk they are taking by speaking up. In a way, it's nice to know my friends care about me and trust my intuition.

It seems that there are three storms converging at once for my church: a financial crisis of significant proportions, an identity crisis involving the methodology of ministry and its impact on the church culture, and a structural reconfiguring.

Any church facing just one of those issues would be hard pressed, but having to deal with all three is enormous and I do not envy my lead pastor. What my site pastor told us today is to expect significant staff changes to be decided upon by the end of this month, communicated in March and implemented in April for the remainder of the fiscal year- August. Starting Sept 1, the staff will function in a totally new way.

The jobs of my immediate staff members are relatively secure, though it appears that the newly appointed "regional team" consisting of the lead pastor, the new worship director and the executive director have been interviewing possible replacements for either of the site pastors.

I think, given the time table above, I need to take the next three months to make a lot of observations- to concretely determine if the direction of our worship culture really is going as far down this different path that I fear it is- and by the beginning of the summer make a determination as to whether or not I am still called to be this church's worship leader. If not, I'd like to have the summer to set up the new worship leader for success- there would be a lot to transition, and for the sake of my many fantastic volunteers, I would want to do that to the best of my ability.

It is terrifying to think I might really be at the end of my career here at this church. It has been through so many ups and downs, as well as staff turnovers- and I have managed to stay right there with it, against many odds. It is a source of pride for me, for better and for worse, that I have seen this church through so much. We have made some great hiring choices and some very poor ones- and I feel a sense of pride that I have managed to hang on and continue to do my job through it all. It's a big pill for me to swallow to say that I may no longer be the right person here and that it's actually time for me to go, after all I've been through.

The Beginning of the End, or of Something New?

My meeting went alright yesterday. It was about what I expected. My boss felt that he had communicated the changes to me, asking for feedback, and was surprised when I hadn't said much. He did apologize for all of the miscommunication. And to be fair, it's possible I missed some of what he was alluding to, in part because I was determined that it was not the direction we would head in.

It was a good and honest conversation. I said some difficult things, including my opinion of the changes in style of teaching. And as I expected, he is intentional about those changes. I was also very honest that if the direction of worship on Sundays is towards a polished, scripted, rehearsed top-to-bottom production, then I am probably not the right worship leader anymore. There's no moral judgment associated with that- it simply isn't me.

He talked some about his own struggles with whether or not he is the right person for the job- the right person to lead our church into the areas of growth he and the elders feel is what God has meant for us. He said right now, he does feel that he's the right guy. But if some end results don't substantially change in the next 12-18 months, then he may determine that he's not the right person, and he'll resign. He said the number of spiritual explorers attending Pathways is the smallest this fall that it has ever been, as well as the number of baptisms. I get and trust that this number is more than an ego trip- it represents real lives. My boss lives and breathes evangelism, so if that vision of the church isn't happening, I think he feels compelled to do whatever it takes to change the trajectory. My guess is that's why he's leaning towards this more typical seeker-friendly model, still hoping it is unique in some of the ways my church has always been unique.

To my statement that I may not be the right person moving forward, he didn't really respond one way or another. I expected for us to leave with some sort of probationary period for me- some defined amount of time for us to determine my future with the church. He didn't seem interested in being that exact, but I do think we are very much in that process. His "next step" was to stay in conversation- sort of a "wait and see".

And really, this is exactly where I knew I would end up after this conversation- I have the choice to get on board and give it a shot, or to quit.

I feel very strongly that when it is time for me to leave my church, I will know. Like, I will KNOW. God doesn't speak very often to me, at least not that specifically- but this is one of those occassions that He let me know He will be deliberate in showing me.

I don't have that sense that I need to give my resignation right now. I am tired and I'm not interested in going down this trajectory much further- but it isn't time to resign just yet. But for how much longer, I'm just not sure. I suppose I ought to be getting my resume together and continuing to pray a lot...