Hanging On

Just a quick post because it's late, and of course, tomorrow is Sunday. I had a good conversation with our lead elder. She did a great job listening. She said she felt that my lead pastor is actually in a pretty centered space; that she certainly sees a sense of urgency in where we are and the decisions that need to be made, but not a sense of panic. She said she hadn't picked up on anything related to the culture of our church changing, though she is admittedly not "in the trenches". As an elder, her role is to oversee the ends, not the means. My issue has been that the means can shift the culture of the ends, and that is what has me concerned. Her thought was to continue asking the questions I'm asking, which of course, I will do.

Immediately after that I had a production meeting with the new consultant, our lead pastor and the other worship leader I work with. It was a fun meeting and I think we worked through a lot of details that should hopefully make the services we have coming up much stronger. As we talked about the invocation, the thought was to also introduce this weeks' topic because it is a heavy one, and we don't want to take anyone by surprise. I gently reminded everyone that we also need to make sure that the invocation is also about remembering who God is. I didn't get a lot of push back on it, but not a lot of "OH yea, no doubt. Let's definitely do that" either. So I crafted it to fit both.

I left feeling somewhat more hopeful. My plan is to take notes during our meetings, writing down questions I have, frustrations or areas of compromise where I feel like we're making progress. I hope that after a few weeks I'll have a better sense of whether my fears are turning to reality or not. I certainly hope not. We'll see. More soon.

Not What I Had Hoped

Sounds like the Elder retreat this weekend didn't come up with the results I was praying for. I haven't heard any details around Saturday, but my boss said Friday was a bust. She said it started out that everyone was on the same page regarding where they felt God was leading us (and more importantly, how), except my lead pastor. By the end of the day, it was apparent to everyone that he was absolutely unwaivering in what he wanted to accomplish. One of the Elders eventually said something to the effect of, "___, it sounds like you just need to make your decisions, and we'll just need to decide if we are on board or not."

That was very disheartening for me to hear. I was praying that my lead pastor would really listen and be willing to yield if the consensus was different than where he was leaning. Or at the very least, that the Elders would say, "Oh yeah- we are in agreement that this plan to grow to 2000 in the next 24 months is right on." I would be able to trust more if the Elders were on board. But it sounds like- and I am hoping to meet with our lead elder soon to actually get more concrete data- that the Elders eventually gave up fighting and are in the same boat I am. I don't know how Saturday's meeting went because the site pastors (my boss) were not invited to that portion. However, the exec pastor told my boss that everything goes forward as they had been planning before the retreat, so my guess is that Saturday went about the same as Friday.

I've been working on my resume and I just contacted a friend who does event planning for a company to hear more about what she does and how she got into it. But the possibility of leaving isn't really in my mind. I had a great Sunday yesterday. I adore the people I work with. The musicians I have the privelege of singing with are out of this world- something I'm not likely to find again anytime soon. I mean, how many times do you get to throw a Fred Hammond chart in front of a group of musicians and have them pull it off near flawlessly? The quality of music they produce every single week is outstanding-- even as I left last night I was thinking, "how could I ever leave this?" I'll have to post more about how cool it has been getting to know the musicians, in particular. Half of them don't follow Christ and it has been so amazing to be a part of their lives and it is unbelievable humbling to see them trust me as a person and as a Christian more than they did when they first began playing for me.

One of my vocalists turned to me last night immediately after the service and said, "I need 30 seconds of your time. I need to tell you that I love volunteering for you. You give way more than you take from your volunteers and I love being here serving with you."

How on earth could I ever find another job as satisfying as this one?

A Source of Pride

At our smaller staff meeting today, it was evident that the changes are being felt by every staff member- not just me. Several co-workers have put their jobs on the line in part to defend me, in part to defend the things they also champion that they sense are changing. I'm a little afraid for them, but they've been on staff a long time and know the risk they are taking by speaking up. In a way, it's nice to know my friends care about me and trust my intuition.

It seems that there are three storms converging at once for my church: a financial crisis of significant proportions, an identity crisis involving the methodology of ministry and its impact on the church culture, and a structural reconfiguring.

Any church facing just one of those issues would be hard pressed, but having to deal with all three is enormous and I do not envy my lead pastor. What my site pastor told us today is to expect significant staff changes to be decided upon by the end of this month, communicated in March and implemented in April for the remainder of the fiscal year- August. Starting Sept 1, the staff will function in a totally new way.

The jobs of my immediate staff members are relatively secure, though it appears that the newly appointed "regional team" consisting of the lead pastor, the new worship director and the executive director have been interviewing possible replacements for either of the site pastors.

I think, given the time table above, I need to take the next three months to make a lot of observations- to concretely determine if the direction of our worship culture really is going as far down this different path that I fear it is- and by the beginning of the summer make a determination as to whether or not I am still called to be this church's worship leader. If not, I'd like to have the summer to set up the new worship leader for success- there would be a lot to transition, and for the sake of my many fantastic volunteers, I would want to do that to the best of my ability.

It is terrifying to think I might really be at the end of my career here at this church. It has been through so many ups and downs, as well as staff turnovers- and I have managed to stay right there with it, against many odds. It is a source of pride for me, for better and for worse, that I have seen this church through so much. We have made some great hiring choices and some very poor ones- and I feel a sense of pride that I have managed to hang on and continue to do my job through it all. It's a big pill for me to swallow to say that I may no longer be the right person here and that it's actually time for me to go, after all I've been through.

The Beginning of the End, or of Something New?

My meeting went alright yesterday. It was about what I expected. My boss felt that he had communicated the changes to me, asking for feedback, and was surprised when I hadn't said much. He did apologize for all of the miscommunication. And to be fair, it's possible I missed some of what he was alluding to, in part because I was determined that it was not the direction we would head in.

It was a good and honest conversation. I said some difficult things, including my opinion of the changes in style of teaching. And as I expected, he is intentional about those changes. I was also very honest that if the direction of worship on Sundays is towards a polished, scripted, rehearsed top-to-bottom production, then I am probably not the right worship leader anymore. There's no moral judgment associated with that- it simply isn't me.

He talked some about his own struggles with whether or not he is the right person for the job- the right person to lead our church into the areas of growth he and the elders feel is what God has meant for us. He said right now, he does feel that he's the right guy. But if some end results don't substantially change in the next 12-18 months, then he may determine that he's not the right person, and he'll resign. He said the number of spiritual explorers attending Pathways is the smallest this fall that it has ever been, as well as the number of baptisms. I get and trust that this number is more than an ego trip- it represents real lives. My boss lives and breathes evangelism, so if that vision of the church isn't happening, I think he feels compelled to do whatever it takes to change the trajectory. My guess is that's why he's leaning towards this more typical seeker-friendly model, still hoping it is unique in some of the ways my church has always been unique.

To my statement that I may not be the right person moving forward, he didn't really respond one way or another. I expected for us to leave with some sort of probationary period for me- some defined amount of time for us to determine my future with the church. He didn't seem interested in being that exact, but I do think we are very much in that process. His "next step" was to stay in conversation- sort of a "wait and see".

And really, this is exactly where I knew I would end up after this conversation- I have the choice to get on board and give it a shot, or to quit.

I feel very strongly that when it is time for me to leave my church, I will know. Like, I will KNOW. God doesn't speak very often to me, at least not that specifically- but this is one of those occassions that He let me know He will be deliberate in showing me.

I don't have that sense that I need to give my resignation right now. I am tired and I'm not interested in going down this trajectory much further- but it isn't time to resign just yet. But for how much longer, I'm just not sure. I suppose I ought to be getting my resume together and continuing to pray a lot...

When Is It Over?

I feel like I'm on the verge of a break-up. It's a strange sensation, considering I'm blissfully married.

I'm at a crossroads with my church. It's not the first time- and for the previous times, I'm so glad I stuck it out. I've never regretted staying, despite mistakes, conflict and hurt. I'm proud that my church takes to heart the concept of redemptive conflict- it's one of the things I value so highly.

Here's the deal, though. While my lead pastor and I are in significant conflict about the way a new decision was handled (again), that conflict really isn't the problem. He and I will work it out- we always do. And we have a stronger relationship because of it.

The bigger problem is that, for a while now, he has been pressuring me to shift my values around the worship services. It's subtle, but definitely there. As a church culture, we've valued experiential, hands-on, tactile ways of engaging with God's story. We've always tried hard to engage followers of Christ from a variety of stages of faith, as well as people that are exploring the faith. We felt it is important to hold in tension worship being both for the believer and the seeker. That usually played out in observing the church calendar, engaging different spiritual practices (contemplation, lectio divina, etc.) and doing a lot of explaining- what we're doing and why we do it. Most of the time, we always gave a variety of ways to engage in those practices so no one would feel left out.

We chose music based on its lyrical content first. The songs absolutely had to have a strong theological core, promoting an understanding that worship is something we do 7 days a week mostly by the way we serve and love people. Also promoting the idea that Sunday services are the corporate (community) expression of what God is doing in our lives, our community, our world. Secondly the music is selected based on its singability and musicality. That involves a number of considerations too detailed to get into here.

Observing the church calendar has been a very important part of our worship because it ties us to the worldwide church both present and past. It gives us a rhythm for our worship as we go through different seasons. I have loved incorporating this and letting it guide us. We've never ventured into the totally traditional side of including all the liturgy for the seasons, but it has directed our art visually, our music, and the tone of our Sunday services.

Over the last year, but most noticably the last 6 months, my pastor has been intentionally steering us toward a more typical model of worship culture. He would still say he values all the things I just mentioned. But really, what he wants is a "worship experience"- the music is there to "set up" the message (ie the focal point of the service) and the church calendar is more of a nuisance, unless it is Christmas or Easter. All fall I have felt like I have been fighting to keep the culture I am so passionate about- the reasons I fell in love with this church. I am, quite frankly, exhausted.

Recently a new hire has been added to our worship staff. He is not a worship leader and is not interested in remaining involved in the worship planning process for the long term. He's here because my pastor is desperate for someone who will "take charge" of the planning process; and honestly because this guy speaks the same language as my pastor. They both wants lots of people through the door, with a lot of emotional engagement with the messages. Neither of those things are bad- but clearly that is a different motivating center for planning worship than at least where I am coming from.

Now I no longer have the decision over what we do on Sundays. It is a 'group effort', with my pastor and this new guy making the final call on everything.

The killer is that this guy is admittedly just learning the culture of my church. He suggested a song to do that has neither lyrical or melodic integrity (so is therefor a big hit on the worship charts). I kindly responded with why we have chosen not to do that song (giving him a break down of the matrix we put all new music through). He gave me the "well, people love to sing it" reason to do it, and later commented that he doesn't want any more heady reasoning around chosing a song. He asked that I instead just trust his intuition.

I'm at a serious crisis of church-dom. Do I stay and trust two people, against my instict? My husband, while supportive of whatever I need to do, is trying to help us not act hastily, reminding me that we have trusted the leadership of this church for 8 years. He's not sure enough has changed to warrant distrust of the leadership team. Of course, we believe strongly that it is important to stay with a church, and not just jump ship when things get rocky.

So my question is, at what point do you decide that fighting is no longer productive for yourself or for the church? At what point do I concede that I am no longer the right worship leader for this church?

And the scarier questions- if not this church, what church? There aren't many out there like my church- one of the reasons I love it so passionately and have been willing to fight through the crap for the last 8 years. What on earth would I do, if not this job? Where would we worship, if not at this church and with our community family here?

I have no answers. I do have a coffee meeting with my pastor tomorrow, and I have no idea what the outcome might be. I think the best I can offer is a few months trial where we can both evaluate the situation. I don't want to make a hasty decision. I also know that I can't "fake it" when it comes to leading worship on Sundays with integrity. If I'm miserable, everyone knows it. It's one of my greatest strengths and weaknesses as a leader: I'm pretty darn transparent. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

For Those Who Don't Quite Fit In...

I think it is safe to say that if there had been a vote many years back, I would have easily won the "Least Likely to be a Worship Leader" category. I was the girl who, regardless of how I tried to fit in to church culture, somehow managed to offend most of the people around me, save those who really knew me. My reluctance to relinquish affection for the Beastie Boys usually put most folks over the edge. Maybe you can relate.

8 years ago, I finally found a church that I could breath in. It was a smallish church, one service, about 150 people in the room. The first week I attended, I heard a pastor talk about attending the bachelor party of one of the other pastors the night before. He spoke of great friends, great beer, great cigars... I literally felt myself exhale. I hadn't realized I had been in some way holding my breath for years. Don't get me wrong- it's not that I think there is anything special about drinking or think it is particularly cool to talk about it during a Sunday message. I was just so relieved that there were other Christians out there that didn't subscribe to many of the rules I had always been taught were standard fare for all true Christians.

I never, ever thought that I would work for a church. I've loved music all of my life, but had never truly considered a career in it. It was a strange set of events that resulted in my accepting a paid position I had slowly emerged into as a volunteer, leading worship for the church I had come to love. I figured it would last 6 months. I had very low expectations of what it would be like to work for a church. I definitely did not come into it with naive hopes of ministerial bliss.

This blog is my solution for the need to process some of the highs and lows of my experiences as a staff member of this church over the last 6 years. I usually have to articulate what I am feeling before I really know what it is that I'm feeling, but it isn't always appropriate for me to do that with people I know. If they go to my church, I run the risk of tainted their view of the leadership team (because they may be told all about the conflict, but often I forget to then involve them in the resolution and redemption of the conflict, so they're left feeling angry and hurt on behalf of me). If I talk to another person on staff (I have the privilege of working with many individuals I enjoy and respect) then I run the risk of altering their view of things, or feeling that I am work business to them that really ain't their business. It's very sticky. My husband just asked me why I don't just write this out in a word document- I guess my answer is that I am throwing this out there in case there's anyone else from a similar perspective navigating some of the same things. Sometimes it's just nice to not feel like you're the only one.