Not the artsiest picture ever, but certainly representative of the last few months!

Many thanks to my friends who have been so unbelievably supportive throughout this summer- thank you for your prayers, encouragement and insight. 

After much prayer, deliberation and well, yes, maybe a little obsessing, I have decided that now seems to be the time to make a CD. 

I sat in with a band the other night- just a few songs- at a small club and I had one of the best nights of my life. I didn't know for sure if I would enjoy performing- worship leading really is (or should be) something different, and I didn't know if I would enjoy the change. But I absolutely LOVED it. The players in the band are friends that I have played with for many years, so for me, it was comfortable and like coming home. The only element missing that night was the absence of my forever supportive husband, who was at home caring for our teeny tinys. 

For all of my over-analyzing and fear of financial insecurity, I had the over-whelming sense that this is, indeed, an opportunity not to pass up. I have no idea if it will result in anything other than "hey, remember when we recorded a few songs?" but I'm willing to commit 100% to it, to see what God has in mind. I had a job interview for a day job and I was actually relieved when I didn't get the job. I had begun to really think that, while waiting tables is a bit of a humble pill to swallow, it is the best option for me and my family right now. Getting to play with my littlest boy during the day is priceless. 

I finally had to let go of determining what the end result should look like- though I do have one lofty goal: there are many artists out there, Christian and otherwise, whose music and live performances are so provoking, so beautiful, so passionate that they create opportunities for worship, depending on the listener. I don't know if God has given me this same gift- He may not. My goal during this project and as I work on getting better at live performances is to see if this is how He has gifted me. I wonder if perhaps He has equipped me to "lead worship" outside of the church walls. I'll be hoping for honest feedback- and where art is concerned, there usually isn't a short supply of opinions. :) 

Again, thank you friends for your prayers and support. Community is an amazing thing. 

Waiting, still...

I'm never quite ready for fall, though it is one of my favorite seasons. This year its arrival seems to be pushing me into a new season of my life that I don't feel ready for. Yet, here it is. 

This summer was an interesting one- a forced sabbatical that I both resent and am extremely grateful for. It started out miserable, for my inability to let go of the financial insecurity that enveloped me. Slowly but surely I began to practice peace- that is, willfully trusting that God has provided in the past, and will continue to provide, though it may not look the way I want. 

I began to enjoy the time with my boys. My husband and I embarked on a journey to India, taking our oldest son, leaving the baby with my mother. What a wonderful place, awakening all my senses through beautiful color, aromas and dedicated spirituality. Our trip was a vision trip, a learning trip to understand the plight of the Dalit people, so it was also filled with heartbreak and sobering thoughts of an understanding of the Hindu system of living. 

During this time, I have felt God drawing me towards Him in a deeper way. Not necessarily a different way, just deeper. I picked up Eugene Petereson's devotional book "Solo"- a journey through the bible (The Message translation) utilizing the spiritual practice of lectio divina. I absolutely love it, and recommend it to anyone searching for a way to enter back into the scriptures from a less analytical or didactic way. 

My spiritual practice of prayer seems to be coming more alive (this is not an area of great strength for me, or at least, of regular practice) and I am loving the pace of life that allows me to contemplate and pray over breakfast or lunch, rather than multi-task 3 or 4 different things. 

I have become aware that my call to be a worship leader extends beyond my time at my church, and that at some point, I will be a worship leader again. I get to wait until God brings about the right opportunity at the right time. I have a tremendous amount of peace about this and really don't have any trouble trusting that God will bring about the right situation. He has done so so often that I'm actually just really happy that He's told me to wait. I can do that. In this area of my life, it is easy to be faithful. 

Now, what I do in the meantime seems to be more of a mystery. I oscillate between my incessant need to be responsible and my new-found enjoyment to a slower pace of life. I'm waiting tables, which I have to confess, is extremely humbling. I'm not above waiting tables- quite the contrary. I used to love it and it afforded for me a free lifestyle. That was 10 years ago, though, and it's a different pill to swallow after having tasted a job that I feel I was made to do. However, I am grateful to be at this restaurant and am trying hard to view it as my opportunity to love this handful of people I would not otherwise be in contact with. 

Being prone to over-analyze, much to the consternation of my husband, I find myself at a loss at some of the opportunities before me. Knowing my call is to be a worship leader, I am suddenly drained of all ambition to pursue a new career path. I have a couple of other options on the table, which I have pro'd and con'd to death, and am still unsure how to navigate this "waiting" time that autumn seems to be reminding me is here. 

At the foremost of my second-guessing is this opportunity I have to make an album. An investor approached me about putting together an LP as an opportunity to jump-start a career as a performing artist. There are no limitations as to what style of music or even content. Anything I want to do, he's ok with. He sees this as an opportunity to help me out, and if the record sells, to maybe make a little bit of money back. Without exception, every single person I have told about this opportunity looks at my hesitation with wonderment, feeling as though it should be a no-brainer for me. I mean, really- how many people get this opportunity? 

So why isn't it a no-brainer? Why have I been talking to this guy for months, without making any progress towards a contract? Is it a gut feeling that this isn't what I should be focusing on? Is it fear? I simply don't know. On the one hand, I see the opportunity of a lifetime- to create any kind of music I want, with no limitations other than my own. I could try to promote it by doing some live shows here- and if it had any kind of success, maybe there would be a future for me with some kind of financial prospect. I try to picture myself in this role- but it is very difficult. Ambition is not a word anyone would use to describe me. And ambition seems to be the number one ingredient of those who "make it." 

I think about how fun it would be to collaborate with some musicians here that I know. I listen to live recordings from artists like Erykah Badu and Jill Scott, whose bands are so unbelievable I often just sit in awe and in tears. And if I had that opportunity, to do music of that caliber, to make that kind of money and tour... well, would I choose that or choose to be a worship leader at a church I was passionate about? Can both exist in one role? 

Perhaps the lyrical content of my music could take on the tone of a worship leader- calling people to remember, calling people to love through serving, reminding people of the rhythm of life and spirituality. Could the tone of my concerts take on that of a worshiping experience, regardless of faith? Could they be shaped by the four-fold in a way that is subtle, yet compelling? Could I embody those values as a performing artist as I would as a worship leader? Is it at all possible that this could be what God is calling me to?

Or is this a colossal distraction? Should I follow the check in my gut that seems to be telling me this really isn't what I was created to do?

For those that know me, your input would be greatly appreciated. I really feel that to jump into this endeavor, I need to be 100% committed to doing everything I can to "succeed", or I will be taking this guy's money without the kind of integrity I live by. It will also require sacrifices from my family, which I am not willing to make if I don't really feel that this is what I am supposed to be doing. Perhaps I'm putting too much weight on this, but I don't know how else to approach it.