Not the artsiest picture ever, but certainly representative of the last few months!

Many thanks to my friends who have been so unbelievably supportive throughout this summer- thank you for your prayers, encouragement and insight. 

After much prayer, deliberation and well, yes, maybe a little obsessing, I have decided that now seems to be the time to make a CD. 

I sat in with a band the other night- just a few songs- at a small club and I had one of the best nights of my life. I didn't know for sure if I would enjoy performing- worship leading really is (or should be) something different, and I didn't know if I would enjoy the change. But I absolutely LOVED it. The players in the band are friends that I have played with for many years, so for me, it was comfortable and like coming home. The only element missing that night was the absence of my forever supportive husband, who was at home caring for our teeny tinys. 

For all of my over-analyzing and fear of financial insecurity, I had the over-whelming sense that this is, indeed, an opportunity not to pass up. I have no idea if it will result in anything other than "hey, remember when we recorded a few songs?" but I'm willing to commit 100% to it, to see what God has in mind. I had a job interview for a day job and I was actually relieved when I didn't get the job. I had begun to really think that, while waiting tables is a bit of a humble pill to swallow, it is the best option for me and my family right now. Getting to play with my littlest boy during the day is priceless. 

I finally had to let go of determining what the end result should look like- though I do have one lofty goal: there are many artists out there, Christian and otherwise, whose music and live performances are so provoking, so beautiful, so passionate that they create opportunities for worship, depending on the listener. I don't know if God has given me this same gift- He may not. My goal during this project and as I work on getting better at live performances is to see if this is how He has gifted me. I wonder if perhaps He has equipped me to "lead worship" outside of the church walls. I'll be hoping for honest feedback- and where art is concerned, there usually isn't a short supply of opinions. :) 

Again, thank you friends for your prayers and support. Community is an amazing thing. 

Waiting, still...

I'm never quite ready for fall, though it is one of my favorite seasons. This year its arrival seems to be pushing me into a new season of my life that I don't feel ready for. Yet, here it is. 

This summer was an interesting one- a forced sabbatical that I both resent and am extremely grateful for. It started out miserable, for my inability to let go of the financial insecurity that enveloped me. Slowly but surely I began to practice peace- that is, willfully trusting that God has provided in the past, and will continue to provide, though it may not look the way I want. 

I began to enjoy the time with my boys. My husband and I embarked on a journey to India, taking our oldest son, leaving the baby with my mother. What a wonderful place, awakening all my senses through beautiful color, aromas and dedicated spirituality. Our trip was a vision trip, a learning trip to understand the plight of the Dalit people, so it was also filled with heartbreak and sobering thoughts of an understanding of the Hindu system of living. 

During this time, I have felt God drawing me towards Him in a deeper way. Not necessarily a different way, just deeper. I picked up Eugene Petereson's devotional book "Solo"- a journey through the bible (The Message translation) utilizing the spiritual practice of lectio divina. I absolutely love it, and recommend it to anyone searching for a way to enter back into the scriptures from a less analytical or didactic way. 

My spiritual practice of prayer seems to be coming more alive (this is not an area of great strength for me, or at least, of regular practice) and I am loving the pace of life that allows me to contemplate and pray over breakfast or lunch, rather than multi-task 3 or 4 different things. 

I have become aware that my call to be a worship leader extends beyond my time at my church, and that at some point, I will be a worship leader again. I get to wait until God brings about the right opportunity at the right time. I have a tremendous amount of peace about this and really don't have any trouble trusting that God will bring about the right situation. He has done so so often that I'm actually just really happy that He's told me to wait. I can do that. In this area of my life, it is easy to be faithful. 

Now, what I do in the meantime seems to be more of a mystery. I oscillate between my incessant need to be responsible and my new-found enjoyment to a slower pace of life. I'm waiting tables, which I have to confess, is extremely humbling. I'm not above waiting tables- quite the contrary. I used to love it and it afforded for me a free lifestyle. That was 10 years ago, though, and it's a different pill to swallow after having tasted a job that I feel I was made to do. However, I am grateful to be at this restaurant and am trying hard to view it as my opportunity to love this handful of people I would not otherwise be in contact with. 

Being prone to over-analyze, much to the consternation of my husband, I find myself at a loss at some of the opportunities before me. Knowing my call is to be a worship leader, I am suddenly drained of all ambition to pursue a new career path. I have a couple of other options on the table, which I have pro'd and con'd to death, and am still unsure how to navigate this "waiting" time that autumn seems to be reminding me is here. 

At the foremost of my second-guessing is this opportunity I have to make an album. An investor approached me about putting together an LP as an opportunity to jump-start a career as a performing artist. There are no limitations as to what style of music or even content. Anything I want to do, he's ok with. He sees this as an opportunity to help me out, and if the record sells, to maybe make a little bit of money back. Without exception, every single person I have told about this opportunity looks at my hesitation with wonderment, feeling as though it should be a no-brainer for me. I mean, really- how many people get this opportunity? 

So why isn't it a no-brainer? Why have I been talking to this guy for months, without making any progress towards a contract? Is it a gut feeling that this isn't what I should be focusing on? Is it fear? I simply don't know. On the one hand, I see the opportunity of a lifetime- to create any kind of music I want, with no limitations other than my own. I could try to promote it by doing some live shows here- and if it had any kind of success, maybe there would be a future for me with some kind of financial prospect. I try to picture myself in this role- but it is very difficult. Ambition is not a word anyone would use to describe me. And ambition seems to be the number one ingredient of those who "make it." 

I think about how fun it would be to collaborate with some musicians here that I know. I listen to live recordings from artists like Erykah Badu and Jill Scott, whose bands are so unbelievable I often just sit in awe and in tears. And if I had that opportunity, to do music of that caliber, to make that kind of money and tour... well, would I choose that or choose to be a worship leader at a church I was passionate about? Can both exist in one role? 

Perhaps the lyrical content of my music could take on the tone of a worship leader- calling people to remember, calling people to love through serving, reminding people of the rhythm of life and spirituality. Could the tone of my concerts take on that of a worshiping experience, regardless of faith? Could they be shaped by the four-fold in a way that is subtle, yet compelling? Could I embody those values as a performing artist as I would as a worship leader? Is it at all possible that this could be what God is calling me to?

Or is this a colossal distraction? Should I follow the check in my gut that seems to be telling me this really isn't what I was created to do?

For those that know me, your input would be greatly appreciated. I really feel that to jump into this endeavor, I need to be 100% committed to doing everything I can to "succeed", or I will be taking this guy's money without the kind of integrity I live by. It will also require sacrifices from my family, which I am not willing to make if I don't really feel that this is what I am supposed to be doing. Perhaps I'm putting too much weight on this, but I don't know how else to approach it. 

Time To Say Goodbye

I'm officially resigning/laid off from my job. I am just waiting to hear that they are 100% certain they are offering a job to this other guy, and what day he will start. Likely I will be done May 31.

The whole thing feels very surreal to me, and I can't help but continue to compare it to a break up. I'm all over the different stages of grief. Sometimes I'm at peace about it. But sometimes I'm anywhere from angry to sad to dumbfounded. I led the services at my co-worker's location on Sunday since he was out of town, and the services went fabulously. I left feeling so angry. I walked out knowing that I'm really good at my job (despite the arrogance that suggests) and I can't fucking believe they are letting me go. I still feel that most days.

This new guy they're bringing in is your very typical worship leader: he's white, male, in his 30's with a hip hair cut and fashionable jeans, and of course, he plays the acoustic guitar. He definitely fits the formula for success. It makes my stomach hurt a little bit.

As soon as I get the final word from the boys upstairs, I will be able to notify the rest of the staff and all of my volunteers. I have talked to a few close friends about it. They're all really shocked. For many, I'm hearing that they have felt uneasy about the changes at my church, and my being laid off confirms their fears. It seems almost more symbolic to them than anything else. Several people have told me that I somehow embody this culture of our church that we love, so it's a bigger deal to them that I was laid off- more so than just being bummed out for me.

I don't know what is next for me just yet. I've been applying for different jobs, but there's a part of me that is still mourning the loss of this job that I love- it makes it very difficult to objectively look at some other jobs that I will even just like, assuming I can tolerate it at all. I have been so unbelievably blessed to have a job I love so much. I never expected that, not being particularly career-minded, and there isn't a day that has gone by that I have taken it for granted. It's a bitter pill to swallow to know that I will likely have to join the ranks of millions of people that have to take whatever work they can to put food on the table. It's deeply depressing, but I realize very well that we have to do what we have to do, and I've been lucky to have enjoyed a job as long as I did. It's hard for me to be hopeful that God would provide something else remotely close to this job. I want to be faithful, but it's very hard.

Well, I need to be off to write my email to staff, volunteers and friends to give them the news. I know technically since I'm being laid off it really isn't my responsibility to tell everyone, but I just can't sit back and have everyone talking about me- it feels too much like I'm a victim. And while I certainly did not instigate these turn of events, I did have some say in them. I just need to feel like I have a sense of power in here somehow... Anyway. I'll try to post again when I have something new to share; hopefully it will be an idea of a new direction to head into. Peace for now.

Almost Peace...

I chose this image because I like the effect the red filter had in creating a surreal environment, and I like that the bridge is obviously leading somewhere, though we can't see exactly where. Appropriate for where I am at the moment.

I think the conclusion I am coming to is that it is time to resign as the worship leader for my site. It seems less likely that I would be the worship leader for the new site, though a position with the new site isn't totally out of the question. I'm going to talk with the neighborhood pastor in the next few days about a possibility more as a volunteer/sunday director. But it seems pretty up in the air, and definitely not a guarantee.

My conclusion is that I am a relational worship leader. I lead through relationships. People in the congregation respond to me because they sense a guilelessness about me that helps them to trust me. People that volunteer for me seem to love it (for the most part) because I work hard to set them up for success and I also try hard to make their involvement about more than just getting their task done. I try hard to invest in them personally. And for a long time, I think this is exactly what my church has needed. My particular gifts are great for smaller sized churches, where the emphasis is very much on belonging, inviting, conversation and community.

Being relationally motivated causes me to value things about Sunday like contextualizing the message in a conversational way; creating a warm, friendly, cozy atmosphere (devoid of pretense); being a very casual up-front leader in my words and gestures. I believe Sundays are important for us to gather and reflect on what God is doing and has done, for us to connect, and to be sent out. I believe transformation happens more in the context of relationships and real conversation, typically outside of Sunday services, though I do believe the culture of Sunday services influences how these conversations take place (if at all).

What my church, and others moving into a larger size, needs is a different kind of worship leader. My church needs a worship leader who is so motivated by what God does during the Sunday services that production is their number one thought, day in and day out. This person eats, sleeps and breaths Sunday services because they believe it is the best tool to engage people of all stages of faith. This person is super charasmatic and leads from up-front with tons of enthusiasm and personality. They are engaging right from the get-go.

I'm comfortable with this shift. I'm understanding more about myself which allows me to be more accepting of how others may be wired. I am fairly confident that regardless of how hard I try to be more concerned with Sunday production, I'm not ever going to be passionate about it, because God wired me with a completely different motivation. And that's ok. In fact, the thought of working my ass off for Sundays, even more so than I already have been for six years, is so completely exhausting to me that it is a relief to stand back and realize that I'm just not cut for it.

This past Tuesday my boss and I left the conversation with me needing to figure out what my calling is. I told him I need some more time to pray about it, but I think we both knew even then what conclusion I would come to. I appreciate his willingness to let me figure it out on my own and staying in the process with me. It's terrifying to think that in a few days (we meet again on Tuesday) that I am probably going to resign from this job. Not effective immediately, but at some point. He's already got a guy coming in this weekend to lead my services while I lead my co-worker's at the other location. I felt a little sick to my stomach talking to this guy yesterday. Especially when he really would rather just give the band lyric sheets with the chords written above the words... I have no idea how that's going to go over with my guys- all of whom are fairly spoiled with my notated charts explicitely showing the form of the song, dynamics etc. But whatever. Probably, it'll go off beautifully, even if my musicians hate the process, and they'll hire the guy starting June 1 or something.

I have no idea what might be next for me. I actually applied for a few jobs last night online. I don't actually expect to hear anything from any of them- I just figured it can't hurt. I think I would enjoy acting as an assistant neighborhood pastor to the new site, leading all the volunteers- but they just eliminated both assistant NP positions at our two locations, so I'm not really sure exactly how that's going to work... Mostly I'm trying to hold all of this with an open hand- something God taught me the value of a while ago. It's especially terrifying to face this with two kiddos, though.

Thanks to Amy & Happy Gram for responding to the last post with encouragement. I do really appreciate it. I agree with Happy Gram- our big churches are trying to do what they do to the best of their ability, and there's a lot of good in that. My husband has no interest in leaving my church, whether I'm on staff or not, so I think I need to keep looking for the good things resulting from Sundays, and seek whatever I feel is lacking either elsewhere, or try to create it within my church context in a different setting than Sundays. More to come after my next conversation with my boss... thank you for your prayers.

From Possible to Very Likely

Another follow up conversation with my boss. He pursued me after Tuesday's conversation because he felt, as I did, that we really didn't connect, and things still aren't very settled. Pretty intuitive for a guy who's usually relationally challenged. (Ok- sorry for the sarcasm. I'll park it here.)

He was very candid with me that he senses I'm just not excited or enthusiastic about the job. That's certainly true- lately I have been sitting in the planning meetings watching everyone else laugh at stupid humor, wondering why I'm not joining in. Certainly I'm not above stupid jokes. My enthusiasm for spending hours and hours in production/planning meetings is waning. What I love about my job is the people- music is the super-cool-i-love-this perk. I'd much rather spend a lot of time developing people. My boss said that the job is definitely moving towards full-time production.

He offered the new site as a possibility- one that we're hoping to launch in the next 12 months. It'll be smaller, which I like, and I love the guy who will be the neighborhood pastor. Working with him has been a blast thus far. I really dig the social action-neighborhood ethos he just oozes.

As I was processing a little bit with the girls in my supper club last night, I realized that actually, this possibility might be a great fit for me. I understand the ethos of our church culture better than almost anyone- maybe an ongoing roll for me would be to launch the new sites and raise up a leader to replace me. Then I would be in the smaller context I prefer, I'd get to influence the launch of the new location, and actively training new leaders, which I also love. It is certainly worth pursuing. I'm confident that the neighborhood pastor of the site we're hoping to launch soon would love to have me. I'm not so sure that future neighborhood pastors will necessarily feel the same- likely they'd want to start with a worship leader they've chosen and plan to keep around for a while. But it's worth talking about, I think.

I've been really bummed the last few hours, but there's a peace that God is in control of all of this. It's cliche, and I hate to use Christian cliches. There's really no other way to say it, though. There are only a few times that I have heard God speak very specific things to me. One of them was a few years back when my husband and I were planning to relocate. I heard God specifically say that it's not time for me to leave my church, and that when that time comes, I will know without any doubt, and it will be ok. There's a lot of peace in knowing that. It's pretty scary to think about losing my job- I don't have a ton to fall back on. I'll have to go scrounging around looking for extra pockets of trust in my life :)

Yeah... But Not Really.

I finally met with my boss yesterday for a follow up conversation from two months ago. I said that I felt a lot of the tension for me had to do with everything going through this evangelist lense, but that my role as a worship leader can't be so focused on the seeker group of people attending.

He goes, "Hmm. Well, I don't really think that's it."

Ooooo-K.

He feels like mostly what's happening is that I am mourning the loss of a size culture. Certainly, that's true. I don't know that that's all of it, but that is a part of it. I had hoped multi-site meant having lots of little churches all over our city. Clearly that isn't what it is going to look like for us, and I have to live with that. He said financially, he realized he couldn't make that model (lots of little churches) work, and he mourned that loss 2 years ago.

Overall it was a pretty good conversation, but not quite as "leave with that warm fuzzy feeling of mutual understanding and forgiveness" as I kind of had anticipated.

I think where that leaves me right now is trying to have more definition around what kind of culture we are trying to create. Definitely I'm mourning the loss of a culture- but it doesn't help to have no definition around where we are going. Or, maybe more accurately, I don't like what I THINK might be where my lead pastor is taking us. Perhaps my roll here is to help shape this future culture into something more palatable.

My boss readily admits he's more of a "just get out there and do it" kind of leader, rather than someone who wants to take time to be strategic about what we do, why, and how we get there. This makes me crazy to no end. And it burns me, and many others, out completely. I don't mind change, but I do have this nutty need for the change to be purposeful. If we come up with a plan, put it into action, and then realize that certain elements are not working, then by all means, let's go back to the table. But it feels much more whimsical, like, "hey- let's start a service! Just get some people and do it! Everything will come together!" And often, things do come together. But it won't be 6 months before the structure around what was started (or lack thereof) is evident and needs to be completely revamped, to the detriment of those who started it. They get a pat on the back at first- "Wow thanks for getting this up off the ground!" but then they also hear "But we're going to have to totally re-do how you did it." It's so defeating. My boss' opinion: but at least the service is off the ground. other churches or staffs would still be discussing how to do it, and would still be making adjustments and mistakes.

Anyway- that was sort of an aside rant. Sorry. Mostly, the purpose of me even mentioning it, is that for me to continue moving forward and following his leadership, I need to be able to exercise my strengths in strategic planning, putting some thought into what choices we are making and how they will impact our services, as well as the overall multi-site strategy of church growth. We'll see how welcome that input is.

One of the things I hope to do is spend some time in other churches, to get an idea of what is working well and what isn't. It has been so long since I have attended another church- I really don't know what all people are doing. Mostly I haven't cared all that much. But I am curious. Too bad there isn't any money out there to get to travel around. I may see what I can come up with.

He also mentioned that they may want me to go full time. I don't really know how I feel about that. Mostly it'll mean a lot of childcare for my kiddos. Which will be expensive. Just when we thought we were getting close to actually saving some money... I'm also afraid it will mean that I will have to disband my professional musicians, which would mega-suck. Have I posted about them? I'll have to do that. Another time.

Sundays... But For Whom?

I think most churches in our era and American culture, particularly post-80's, struggle with the question "who are Sunday services for?" With the boom of seeker-friendly mega churches, the answer is that Sunday services are for the seeker (with small groups mid-week more for feeding the believer). For many traditional churches, the answer is that Sunday services are for the believer (and consequently have few visitors outside of the faith). My church has worked hard to be somewhat of a both-and, rather than either-or.

It's a difficult balance to maintain. Worship is something we do in response to God's character and movement through humankind history- belief being somewhat of a pre-requisite to acknowledgement and response. But I believe that during our Sunday services, it is possible for believers to gather with this purpose in mind, and to do it in a way that is accessible and understandable for people of varying stages of faith, including no faith at all. Not everything the believer does is completely understood by those who don't share the same faith of course, but it is at least explained and then observed. I do think there are many times in a "non-believers" journey that they do respond in worship before they officially "believe".

My friend Sally Morgenthaller wrote a book a while ago called "Worship Evangelism". In some ways, she has since changed her views on some of what she wrote mostly, I think, because of the way her thoughts were interpreted by various churches. But mostly I think the concept of worshipping well as the best way to share faith is a good one.

I believe strongly that the concept of worship needs to be broadened, however. When I say that worshipping well is one of the best ways to share faith, I don't mean playing good, non-cheesy music and incorporating thought-provoking rituals during a worship service on Sundays. What I mean is that an individual taps into the understanding of loving people well, serving them and engaging with them in honest, learning dialogue- THAT kind of worship. I really believe the best "marketing" tool we have as a church is to be involved in holistic service to the immediate, surrounding community in a loving and non-judgmental way.

I think I am also coming to realize that deep down in my core, I don't believe that a service geared towards spiritual explorers is really the best way to draw in explorers or to engage with them as they ask questions of faith and possibility. This could be a signficant, fundamental difference between me and my lead pastor that may very well determine how long I stay the worship pastor.

In the past, it seemed that, in my role as the worship pastor, it was ok for me to see my role as more geared towards the believer, while constantly contextualizing for the spiritual explorers. I am very comfortable with this. It seems, though, that my lead pastor, who lives and breathes evangelism, wants all of his staff and in particular the worship leaders, to lead from the same place of evangelistic motivation that he does. What that means to me right now is that my filter for what songs I choose, what language I use, what rituals we incorporate and what liturgy or other element we choose to include or exclude should mostly be influenced by what the seeker needs, and not the believer.

I hope that that isn't what I am being asked to do, but it sure seems like that. I have a meeting with my lead pastor on Tuesday, and among one or two others things I believe we need to discuss, I think this definitely needs to be included.

I really WANT to be a part of a church full of people who are serving their friends, neighbors and strangers so well that there is a constant flow of spiritual explorers asking questions and attending our worship services. I would be so sad if that wasn't the case. I'm nervous to have this conversation with my boss because right now I feel like I am going to land on the other side of the line that he is drawing, and that will most certainly determine my fate. The reality that leading at this church may have a finite timeline is becoming much more tangible, and quite frankly, I'm scared of life outside of this role, and I'm saddened by that possibility.

Hard To Avoid Sarcasm When...

So at our production meeting on Friday, we were (finally) planning our Easter services (that are in two weeks). The worship coordinator says, "Oh- do we have to have baptisms on Easter?" I laughed, thinking he was just adding a little sarcastic humor because OF COURSE we are going to have baptisms on Easter. He says, "No, seriously- do we have to have baptisms on Easter?"

Really? Are you kidding me? First, my lead pastor is wigging out because we haven't had as many baptisms as he would like- so where is this "no baptisms on easter" crap coming from?!

I was so surprised I had a hard time even responding. Easter is THE Sunday to get baptized- of all the 52 Sundays in the year, that's the ONE you get baptized on. And not just at my church- but Good Lord- all over the world and throughout history. It's difficult not to respond with copious amounts of sarcasm. I'm supposed to meet with my lead pastor on Tuesday, to continue the conversation we had a few weeks ago. I guess I'll hear from him then. I assume this push is coming from him, and not just the worship coordinator. I just can't figure out what else could be more important to include during the Easter service than baptisms and communion. I mean, if that's ALL we did, we would have a great service. But whatever.

Imag? I-NO!

The last two weeks of meetings have actually been alright. The extra effort seems to be paying off. For the most part, I feel like we've been able to marry the message topic with the four-fold without compromising the four-fold too much. The meetings are somewhat exhausting because we're in the place where I'm having to defend a song for 10 minutes, explaining and re-explaining why it's the right choice. It's not that I'm not open to other suggestions, but I put a lot of thought into what songs I choose for each part of the service and it gets old having to revisit each song each week. I'm hoping that gets less laborious as we go on.

I found out today that the plan is to get an imag camera up and running by April. I'm not thrilled about this development at all. Apparently, the reasoning is that they want the congregation to get used to seeing the teacher on the screen, so that when we start a new site in the future, we can have the option to do video teaching. People will already be used to it.

I don't love the idea for a few reasons. The first reason is that i don't think our room is really big enough to warrant the teacher's mug up on the giant screens- it feels like overkill. Second, though, and probably more important, is that we lose the pieces of art that we were involved in the message. My lead pastor said he may even put the worship leaders up on the screen, which is mortifying to me. I'm thinking probably not at our site because it's easier to see the people on stage, but he didn't mention it for no reason. Besides not wanting to have my own mug up on the giant screens, we would definitely lose the art up on the screens that is such a vital part of our worship services.

This is one of those pieces of the Sunday puzzle that isn't a theological issue- it's not a moral issue- it is somewhat of a philosophical issue- but mostly it's a cultural issue. I vacillate back and forth between really wanting to be 100% on board and thinking surely I'm just overreacting; but then these sorts of details come up and I get that sinking feeling again that I may not be at this job for as long as I had hoped.

Hanging On

Just a quick post because it's late, and of course, tomorrow is Sunday. I had a good conversation with our lead elder. She did a great job listening. She said she felt that my lead pastor is actually in a pretty centered space; that she certainly sees a sense of urgency in where we are and the decisions that need to be made, but not a sense of panic. She said she hadn't picked up on anything related to the culture of our church changing, though she is admittedly not "in the trenches". As an elder, her role is to oversee the ends, not the means. My issue has been that the means can shift the culture of the ends, and that is what has me concerned. Her thought was to continue asking the questions I'm asking, which of course, I will do.

Immediately after that I had a production meeting with the new consultant, our lead pastor and the other worship leader I work with. It was a fun meeting and I think we worked through a lot of details that should hopefully make the services we have coming up much stronger. As we talked about the invocation, the thought was to also introduce this weeks' topic because it is a heavy one, and we don't want to take anyone by surprise. I gently reminded everyone that we also need to make sure that the invocation is also about remembering who God is. I didn't get a lot of push back on it, but not a lot of "OH yea, no doubt. Let's definitely do that" either. So I crafted it to fit both.

I left feeling somewhat more hopeful. My plan is to take notes during our meetings, writing down questions I have, frustrations or areas of compromise where I feel like we're making progress. I hope that after a few weeks I'll have a better sense of whether my fears are turning to reality or not. I certainly hope not. We'll see. More soon.

Not What I Had Hoped

Sounds like the Elder retreat this weekend didn't come up with the results I was praying for. I haven't heard any details around Saturday, but my boss said Friday was a bust. She said it started out that everyone was on the same page regarding where they felt God was leading us (and more importantly, how), except my lead pastor. By the end of the day, it was apparent to everyone that he was absolutely unwaivering in what he wanted to accomplish. One of the Elders eventually said something to the effect of, "___, it sounds like you just need to make your decisions, and we'll just need to decide if we are on board or not."

That was very disheartening for me to hear. I was praying that my lead pastor would really listen and be willing to yield if the consensus was different than where he was leaning. Or at the very least, that the Elders would say, "Oh yeah- we are in agreement that this plan to grow to 2000 in the next 24 months is right on." I would be able to trust more if the Elders were on board. But it sounds like- and I am hoping to meet with our lead elder soon to actually get more concrete data- that the Elders eventually gave up fighting and are in the same boat I am. I don't know how Saturday's meeting went because the site pastors (my boss) were not invited to that portion. However, the exec pastor told my boss that everything goes forward as they had been planning before the retreat, so my guess is that Saturday went about the same as Friday.

I've been working on my resume and I just contacted a friend who does event planning for a company to hear more about what she does and how she got into it. But the possibility of leaving isn't really in my mind. I had a great Sunday yesterday. I adore the people I work with. The musicians I have the privelege of singing with are out of this world- something I'm not likely to find again anytime soon. I mean, how many times do you get to throw a Fred Hammond chart in front of a group of musicians and have them pull it off near flawlessly? The quality of music they produce every single week is outstanding-- even as I left last night I was thinking, "how could I ever leave this?" I'll have to post more about how cool it has been getting to know the musicians, in particular. Half of them don't follow Christ and it has been so amazing to be a part of their lives and it is unbelievable humbling to see them trust me as a person and as a Christian more than they did when they first began playing for me.

One of my vocalists turned to me last night immediately after the service and said, "I need 30 seconds of your time. I need to tell you that I love volunteering for you. You give way more than you take from your volunteers and I love being here serving with you."

How on earth could I ever find another job as satisfying as this one?

A Source of Pride

At our smaller staff meeting today, it was evident that the changes are being felt by every staff member- not just me. Several co-workers have put their jobs on the line in part to defend me, in part to defend the things they also champion that they sense are changing. I'm a little afraid for them, but they've been on staff a long time and know the risk they are taking by speaking up. In a way, it's nice to know my friends care about me and trust my intuition.

It seems that there are three storms converging at once for my church: a financial crisis of significant proportions, an identity crisis involving the methodology of ministry and its impact on the church culture, and a structural reconfiguring.

Any church facing just one of those issues would be hard pressed, but having to deal with all three is enormous and I do not envy my lead pastor. What my site pastor told us today is to expect significant staff changes to be decided upon by the end of this month, communicated in March and implemented in April for the remainder of the fiscal year- August. Starting Sept 1, the staff will function in a totally new way.

The jobs of my immediate staff members are relatively secure, though it appears that the newly appointed "regional team" consisting of the lead pastor, the new worship director and the executive director have been interviewing possible replacements for either of the site pastors.

I think, given the time table above, I need to take the next three months to make a lot of observations- to concretely determine if the direction of our worship culture really is going as far down this different path that I fear it is- and by the beginning of the summer make a determination as to whether or not I am still called to be this church's worship leader. If not, I'd like to have the summer to set up the new worship leader for success- there would be a lot to transition, and for the sake of my many fantastic volunteers, I would want to do that to the best of my ability.

It is terrifying to think I might really be at the end of my career here at this church. It has been through so many ups and downs, as well as staff turnovers- and I have managed to stay right there with it, against many odds. It is a source of pride for me, for better and for worse, that I have seen this church through so much. We have made some great hiring choices and some very poor ones- and I feel a sense of pride that I have managed to hang on and continue to do my job through it all. It's a big pill for me to swallow to say that I may no longer be the right person here and that it's actually time for me to go, after all I've been through.

The Beginning of the End, or of Something New?

My meeting went alright yesterday. It was about what I expected. My boss felt that he had communicated the changes to me, asking for feedback, and was surprised when I hadn't said much. He did apologize for all of the miscommunication. And to be fair, it's possible I missed some of what he was alluding to, in part because I was determined that it was not the direction we would head in.

It was a good and honest conversation. I said some difficult things, including my opinion of the changes in style of teaching. And as I expected, he is intentional about those changes. I was also very honest that if the direction of worship on Sundays is towards a polished, scripted, rehearsed top-to-bottom production, then I am probably not the right worship leader anymore. There's no moral judgment associated with that- it simply isn't me.

He talked some about his own struggles with whether or not he is the right person for the job- the right person to lead our church into the areas of growth he and the elders feel is what God has meant for us. He said right now, he does feel that he's the right guy. But if some end results don't substantially change in the next 12-18 months, then he may determine that he's not the right person, and he'll resign. He said the number of spiritual explorers attending Pathways is the smallest this fall that it has ever been, as well as the number of baptisms. I get and trust that this number is more than an ego trip- it represents real lives. My boss lives and breathes evangelism, so if that vision of the church isn't happening, I think he feels compelled to do whatever it takes to change the trajectory. My guess is that's why he's leaning towards this more typical seeker-friendly model, still hoping it is unique in some of the ways my church has always been unique.

To my statement that I may not be the right person moving forward, he didn't really respond one way or another. I expected for us to leave with some sort of probationary period for me- some defined amount of time for us to determine my future with the church. He didn't seem interested in being that exact, but I do think we are very much in that process. His "next step" was to stay in conversation- sort of a "wait and see".

And really, this is exactly where I knew I would end up after this conversation- I have the choice to get on board and give it a shot, or to quit.

I feel very strongly that when it is time for me to leave my church, I will know. Like, I will KNOW. God doesn't speak very often to me, at least not that specifically- but this is one of those occassions that He let me know He will be deliberate in showing me.

I don't have that sense that I need to give my resignation right now. I am tired and I'm not interested in going down this trajectory much further- but it isn't time to resign just yet. But for how much longer, I'm just not sure. I suppose I ought to be getting my resume together and continuing to pray a lot...

When Is It Over?

I feel like I'm on the verge of a break-up. It's a strange sensation, considering I'm blissfully married.

I'm at a crossroads with my church. It's not the first time- and for the previous times, I'm so glad I stuck it out. I've never regretted staying, despite mistakes, conflict and hurt. I'm proud that my church takes to heart the concept of redemptive conflict- it's one of the things I value so highly.

Here's the deal, though. While my lead pastor and I are in significant conflict about the way a new decision was handled (again), that conflict really isn't the problem. He and I will work it out- we always do. And we have a stronger relationship because of it.

The bigger problem is that, for a while now, he has been pressuring me to shift my values around the worship services. It's subtle, but definitely there. As a church culture, we've valued experiential, hands-on, tactile ways of engaging with God's story. We've always tried hard to engage followers of Christ from a variety of stages of faith, as well as people that are exploring the faith. We felt it is important to hold in tension worship being both for the believer and the seeker. That usually played out in observing the church calendar, engaging different spiritual practices (contemplation, lectio divina, etc.) and doing a lot of explaining- what we're doing and why we do it. Most of the time, we always gave a variety of ways to engage in those practices so no one would feel left out.

We chose music based on its lyrical content first. The songs absolutely had to have a strong theological core, promoting an understanding that worship is something we do 7 days a week mostly by the way we serve and love people. Also promoting the idea that Sunday services are the corporate (community) expression of what God is doing in our lives, our community, our world. Secondly the music is selected based on its singability and musicality. That involves a number of considerations too detailed to get into here.

Observing the church calendar has been a very important part of our worship because it ties us to the worldwide church both present and past. It gives us a rhythm for our worship as we go through different seasons. I have loved incorporating this and letting it guide us. We've never ventured into the totally traditional side of including all the liturgy for the seasons, but it has directed our art visually, our music, and the tone of our Sunday services.

Over the last year, but most noticably the last 6 months, my pastor has been intentionally steering us toward a more typical model of worship culture. He would still say he values all the things I just mentioned. But really, what he wants is a "worship experience"- the music is there to "set up" the message (ie the focal point of the service) and the church calendar is more of a nuisance, unless it is Christmas or Easter. All fall I have felt like I have been fighting to keep the culture I am so passionate about- the reasons I fell in love with this church. I am, quite frankly, exhausted.

Recently a new hire has been added to our worship staff. He is not a worship leader and is not interested in remaining involved in the worship planning process for the long term. He's here because my pastor is desperate for someone who will "take charge" of the planning process; and honestly because this guy speaks the same language as my pastor. They both wants lots of people through the door, with a lot of emotional engagement with the messages. Neither of those things are bad- but clearly that is a different motivating center for planning worship than at least where I am coming from.

Now I no longer have the decision over what we do on Sundays. It is a 'group effort', with my pastor and this new guy making the final call on everything.

The killer is that this guy is admittedly just learning the culture of my church. He suggested a song to do that has neither lyrical or melodic integrity (so is therefor a big hit on the worship charts). I kindly responded with why we have chosen not to do that song (giving him a break down of the matrix we put all new music through). He gave me the "well, people love to sing it" reason to do it, and later commented that he doesn't want any more heady reasoning around chosing a song. He asked that I instead just trust his intuition.

I'm at a serious crisis of church-dom. Do I stay and trust two people, against my instict? My husband, while supportive of whatever I need to do, is trying to help us not act hastily, reminding me that we have trusted the leadership of this church for 8 years. He's not sure enough has changed to warrant distrust of the leadership team. Of course, we believe strongly that it is important to stay with a church, and not just jump ship when things get rocky.

So my question is, at what point do you decide that fighting is no longer productive for yourself or for the church? At what point do I concede that I am no longer the right worship leader for this church?

And the scarier questions- if not this church, what church? There aren't many out there like my church- one of the reasons I love it so passionately and have been willing to fight through the crap for the last 8 years. What on earth would I do, if not this job? Where would we worship, if not at this church and with our community family here?

I have no answers. I do have a coffee meeting with my pastor tomorrow, and I have no idea what the outcome might be. I think the best I can offer is a few months trial where we can both evaluate the situation. I don't want to make a hasty decision. I also know that I can't "fake it" when it comes to leading worship on Sundays with integrity. If I'm miserable, everyone knows it. It's one of my greatest strengths and weaknesses as a leader: I'm pretty darn transparent. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

For Those Who Don't Quite Fit In...

I think it is safe to say that if there had been a vote many years back, I would have easily won the "Least Likely to be a Worship Leader" category. I was the girl who, regardless of how I tried to fit in to church culture, somehow managed to offend most of the people around me, save those who really knew me. My reluctance to relinquish affection for the Beastie Boys usually put most folks over the edge. Maybe you can relate.

8 years ago, I finally found a church that I could breath in. It was a smallish church, one service, about 150 people in the room. The first week I attended, I heard a pastor talk about attending the bachelor party of one of the other pastors the night before. He spoke of great friends, great beer, great cigars... I literally felt myself exhale. I hadn't realized I had been in some way holding my breath for years. Don't get me wrong- it's not that I think there is anything special about drinking or think it is particularly cool to talk about it during a Sunday message. I was just so relieved that there were other Christians out there that didn't subscribe to many of the rules I had always been taught were standard fare for all true Christians.

I never, ever thought that I would work for a church. I've loved music all of my life, but had never truly considered a career in it. It was a strange set of events that resulted in my accepting a paid position I had slowly emerged into as a volunteer, leading worship for the church I had come to love. I figured it would last 6 months. I had very low expectations of what it would be like to work for a church. I definitely did not come into it with naive hopes of ministerial bliss.

This blog is my solution for the need to process some of the highs and lows of my experiences as a staff member of this church over the last 6 years. I usually have to articulate what I am feeling before I really know what it is that I'm feeling, but it isn't always appropriate for me to do that with people I know. If they go to my church, I run the risk of tainted their view of the leadership team (because they may be told all about the conflict, but often I forget to then involve them in the resolution and redemption of the conflict, so they're left feeling angry and hurt on behalf of me). If I talk to another person on staff (I have the privilege of working with many individuals I enjoy and respect) then I run the risk of altering their view of things, or feeling that I am work business to them that really ain't their business. It's very sticky. My husband just asked me why I don't just write this out in a word document- I guess my answer is that I am throwing this out there in case there's anyone else from a similar perspective navigating some of the same things. Sometimes it's just nice to not feel like you're the only one.