Time To Say Goodbye

I'm officially resigning/laid off from my job. I am just waiting to hear that they are 100% certain they are offering a job to this other guy, and what day he will start. Likely I will be done May 31.

The whole thing feels very surreal to me, and I can't help but continue to compare it to a break up. I'm all over the different stages of grief. Sometimes I'm at peace about it. But sometimes I'm anywhere from angry to sad to dumbfounded. I led the services at my co-worker's location on Sunday since he was out of town, and the services went fabulously. I left feeling so angry. I walked out knowing that I'm really good at my job (despite the arrogance that suggests) and I can't fucking believe they are letting me go. I still feel that most days.

This new guy they're bringing in is your very typical worship leader: he's white, male, in his 30's with a hip hair cut and fashionable jeans, and of course, he plays the acoustic guitar. He definitely fits the formula for success. It makes my stomach hurt a little bit.

As soon as I get the final word from the boys upstairs, I will be able to notify the rest of the staff and all of my volunteers. I have talked to a few close friends about it. They're all really shocked. For many, I'm hearing that they have felt uneasy about the changes at my church, and my being laid off confirms their fears. It seems almost more symbolic to them than anything else. Several people have told me that I somehow embody this culture of our church that we love, so it's a bigger deal to them that I was laid off- more so than just being bummed out for me.

I don't know what is next for me just yet. I've been applying for different jobs, but there's a part of me that is still mourning the loss of this job that I love- it makes it very difficult to objectively look at some other jobs that I will even just like, assuming I can tolerate it at all. I have been so unbelievably blessed to have a job I love so much. I never expected that, not being particularly career-minded, and there isn't a day that has gone by that I have taken it for granted. It's a bitter pill to swallow to know that I will likely have to join the ranks of millions of people that have to take whatever work they can to put food on the table. It's deeply depressing, but I realize very well that we have to do what we have to do, and I've been lucky to have enjoyed a job as long as I did. It's hard for me to be hopeful that God would provide something else remotely close to this job. I want to be faithful, but it's very hard.

Well, I need to be off to write my email to staff, volunteers and friends to give them the news. I know technically since I'm being laid off it really isn't my responsibility to tell everyone, but I just can't sit back and have everyone talking about me- it feels too much like I'm a victim. And while I certainly did not instigate these turn of events, I did have some say in them. I just need to feel like I have a sense of power in here somehow... Anyway. I'll try to post again when I have something new to share; hopefully it will be an idea of a new direction to head into. Peace for now.

Almost Peace...

I chose this image because I like the effect the red filter had in creating a surreal environment, and I like that the bridge is obviously leading somewhere, though we can't see exactly where. Appropriate for where I am at the moment.

I think the conclusion I am coming to is that it is time to resign as the worship leader for my site. It seems less likely that I would be the worship leader for the new site, though a position with the new site isn't totally out of the question. I'm going to talk with the neighborhood pastor in the next few days about a possibility more as a volunteer/sunday director. But it seems pretty up in the air, and definitely not a guarantee.

My conclusion is that I am a relational worship leader. I lead through relationships. People in the congregation respond to me because they sense a guilelessness about me that helps them to trust me. People that volunteer for me seem to love it (for the most part) because I work hard to set them up for success and I also try hard to make their involvement about more than just getting their task done. I try hard to invest in them personally. And for a long time, I think this is exactly what my church has needed. My particular gifts are great for smaller sized churches, where the emphasis is very much on belonging, inviting, conversation and community.

Being relationally motivated causes me to value things about Sunday like contextualizing the message in a conversational way; creating a warm, friendly, cozy atmosphere (devoid of pretense); being a very casual up-front leader in my words and gestures. I believe Sundays are important for us to gather and reflect on what God is doing and has done, for us to connect, and to be sent out. I believe transformation happens more in the context of relationships and real conversation, typically outside of Sunday services, though I do believe the culture of Sunday services influences how these conversations take place (if at all).

What my church, and others moving into a larger size, needs is a different kind of worship leader. My church needs a worship leader who is so motivated by what God does during the Sunday services that production is their number one thought, day in and day out. This person eats, sleeps and breaths Sunday services because they believe it is the best tool to engage people of all stages of faith. This person is super charasmatic and leads from up-front with tons of enthusiasm and personality. They are engaging right from the get-go.

I'm comfortable with this shift. I'm understanding more about myself which allows me to be more accepting of how others may be wired. I am fairly confident that regardless of how hard I try to be more concerned with Sunday production, I'm not ever going to be passionate about it, because God wired me with a completely different motivation. And that's ok. In fact, the thought of working my ass off for Sundays, even more so than I already have been for six years, is so completely exhausting to me that it is a relief to stand back and realize that I'm just not cut for it.

This past Tuesday my boss and I left the conversation with me needing to figure out what my calling is. I told him I need some more time to pray about it, but I think we both knew even then what conclusion I would come to. I appreciate his willingness to let me figure it out on my own and staying in the process with me. It's terrifying to think that in a few days (we meet again on Tuesday) that I am probably going to resign from this job. Not effective immediately, but at some point. He's already got a guy coming in this weekend to lead my services while I lead my co-worker's at the other location. I felt a little sick to my stomach talking to this guy yesterday. Especially when he really would rather just give the band lyric sheets with the chords written above the words... I have no idea how that's going to go over with my guys- all of whom are fairly spoiled with my notated charts explicitely showing the form of the song, dynamics etc. But whatever. Probably, it'll go off beautifully, even if my musicians hate the process, and they'll hire the guy starting June 1 or something.

I have no idea what might be next for me. I actually applied for a few jobs last night online. I don't actually expect to hear anything from any of them- I just figured it can't hurt. I think I would enjoy acting as an assistant neighborhood pastor to the new site, leading all the volunteers- but they just eliminated both assistant NP positions at our two locations, so I'm not really sure exactly how that's going to work... Mostly I'm trying to hold all of this with an open hand- something God taught me the value of a while ago. It's especially terrifying to face this with two kiddos, though.

Thanks to Amy & Happy Gram for responding to the last post with encouragement. I do really appreciate it. I agree with Happy Gram- our big churches are trying to do what they do to the best of their ability, and there's a lot of good in that. My husband has no interest in leaving my church, whether I'm on staff or not, so I think I need to keep looking for the good things resulting from Sundays, and seek whatever I feel is lacking either elsewhere, or try to create it within my church context in a different setting than Sundays. More to come after my next conversation with my boss... thank you for your prayers.

From Possible to Very Likely

Another follow up conversation with my boss. He pursued me after Tuesday's conversation because he felt, as I did, that we really didn't connect, and things still aren't very settled. Pretty intuitive for a guy who's usually relationally challenged. (Ok- sorry for the sarcasm. I'll park it here.)

He was very candid with me that he senses I'm just not excited or enthusiastic about the job. That's certainly true- lately I have been sitting in the planning meetings watching everyone else laugh at stupid humor, wondering why I'm not joining in. Certainly I'm not above stupid jokes. My enthusiasm for spending hours and hours in production/planning meetings is waning. What I love about my job is the people- music is the super-cool-i-love-this perk. I'd much rather spend a lot of time developing people. My boss said that the job is definitely moving towards full-time production.

He offered the new site as a possibility- one that we're hoping to launch in the next 12 months. It'll be smaller, which I like, and I love the guy who will be the neighborhood pastor. Working with him has been a blast thus far. I really dig the social action-neighborhood ethos he just oozes.

As I was processing a little bit with the girls in my supper club last night, I realized that actually, this possibility might be a great fit for me. I understand the ethos of our church culture better than almost anyone- maybe an ongoing roll for me would be to launch the new sites and raise up a leader to replace me. Then I would be in the smaller context I prefer, I'd get to influence the launch of the new location, and actively training new leaders, which I also love. It is certainly worth pursuing. I'm confident that the neighborhood pastor of the site we're hoping to launch soon would love to have me. I'm not so sure that future neighborhood pastors will necessarily feel the same- likely they'd want to start with a worship leader they've chosen and plan to keep around for a while. But it's worth talking about, I think.

I've been really bummed the last few hours, but there's a peace that God is in control of all of this. It's cliche, and I hate to use Christian cliches. There's really no other way to say it, though. There are only a few times that I have heard God speak very specific things to me. One of them was a few years back when my husband and I were planning to relocate. I heard God specifically say that it's not time for me to leave my church, and that when that time comes, I will know without any doubt, and it will be ok. There's a lot of peace in knowing that. It's pretty scary to think about losing my job- I don't have a ton to fall back on. I'll have to go scrounging around looking for extra pockets of trust in my life :)

Yeah... But Not Really.

I finally met with my boss yesterday for a follow up conversation from two months ago. I said that I felt a lot of the tension for me had to do with everything going through this evangelist lense, but that my role as a worship leader can't be so focused on the seeker group of people attending.

He goes, "Hmm. Well, I don't really think that's it."

Ooooo-K.

He feels like mostly what's happening is that I am mourning the loss of a size culture. Certainly, that's true. I don't know that that's all of it, but that is a part of it. I had hoped multi-site meant having lots of little churches all over our city. Clearly that isn't what it is going to look like for us, and I have to live with that. He said financially, he realized he couldn't make that model (lots of little churches) work, and he mourned that loss 2 years ago.

Overall it was a pretty good conversation, but not quite as "leave with that warm fuzzy feeling of mutual understanding and forgiveness" as I kind of had anticipated.

I think where that leaves me right now is trying to have more definition around what kind of culture we are trying to create. Definitely I'm mourning the loss of a culture- but it doesn't help to have no definition around where we are going. Or, maybe more accurately, I don't like what I THINK might be where my lead pastor is taking us. Perhaps my roll here is to help shape this future culture into something more palatable.

My boss readily admits he's more of a "just get out there and do it" kind of leader, rather than someone who wants to take time to be strategic about what we do, why, and how we get there. This makes me crazy to no end. And it burns me, and many others, out completely. I don't mind change, but I do have this nutty need for the change to be purposeful. If we come up with a plan, put it into action, and then realize that certain elements are not working, then by all means, let's go back to the table. But it feels much more whimsical, like, "hey- let's start a service! Just get some people and do it! Everything will come together!" And often, things do come together. But it won't be 6 months before the structure around what was started (or lack thereof) is evident and needs to be completely revamped, to the detriment of those who started it. They get a pat on the back at first- "Wow thanks for getting this up off the ground!" but then they also hear "But we're going to have to totally re-do how you did it." It's so defeating. My boss' opinion: but at least the service is off the ground. other churches or staffs would still be discussing how to do it, and would still be making adjustments and mistakes.

Anyway- that was sort of an aside rant. Sorry. Mostly, the purpose of me even mentioning it, is that for me to continue moving forward and following his leadership, I need to be able to exercise my strengths in strategic planning, putting some thought into what choices we are making and how they will impact our services, as well as the overall multi-site strategy of church growth. We'll see how welcome that input is.

One of the things I hope to do is spend some time in other churches, to get an idea of what is working well and what isn't. It has been so long since I have attended another church- I really don't know what all people are doing. Mostly I haven't cared all that much. But I am curious. Too bad there isn't any money out there to get to travel around. I may see what I can come up with.

He also mentioned that they may want me to go full time. I don't really know how I feel about that. Mostly it'll mean a lot of childcare for my kiddos. Which will be expensive. Just when we thought we were getting close to actually saving some money... I'm also afraid it will mean that I will have to disband my professional musicians, which would mega-suck. Have I posted about them? I'll have to do that. Another time.