Almost Peace...

I chose this image because I like the effect the red filter had in creating a surreal environment, and I like that the bridge is obviously leading somewhere, though we can't see exactly where. Appropriate for where I am at the moment.

I think the conclusion I am coming to is that it is time to resign as the worship leader for my site. It seems less likely that I would be the worship leader for the new site, though a position with the new site isn't totally out of the question. I'm going to talk with the neighborhood pastor in the next few days about a possibility more as a volunteer/sunday director. But it seems pretty up in the air, and definitely not a guarantee.

My conclusion is that I am a relational worship leader. I lead through relationships. People in the congregation respond to me because they sense a guilelessness about me that helps them to trust me. People that volunteer for me seem to love it (for the most part) because I work hard to set them up for success and I also try hard to make their involvement about more than just getting their task done. I try hard to invest in them personally. And for a long time, I think this is exactly what my church has needed. My particular gifts are great for smaller sized churches, where the emphasis is very much on belonging, inviting, conversation and community.

Being relationally motivated causes me to value things about Sunday like contextualizing the message in a conversational way; creating a warm, friendly, cozy atmosphere (devoid of pretense); being a very casual up-front leader in my words and gestures. I believe Sundays are important for us to gather and reflect on what God is doing and has done, for us to connect, and to be sent out. I believe transformation happens more in the context of relationships and real conversation, typically outside of Sunday services, though I do believe the culture of Sunday services influences how these conversations take place (if at all).

What my church, and others moving into a larger size, needs is a different kind of worship leader. My church needs a worship leader who is so motivated by what God does during the Sunday services that production is their number one thought, day in and day out. This person eats, sleeps and breaths Sunday services because they believe it is the best tool to engage people of all stages of faith. This person is super charasmatic and leads from up-front with tons of enthusiasm and personality. They are engaging right from the get-go.

I'm comfortable with this shift. I'm understanding more about myself which allows me to be more accepting of how others may be wired. I am fairly confident that regardless of how hard I try to be more concerned with Sunday production, I'm not ever going to be passionate about it, because God wired me with a completely different motivation. And that's ok. In fact, the thought of working my ass off for Sundays, even more so than I already have been for six years, is so completely exhausting to me that it is a relief to stand back and realize that I'm just not cut for it.

This past Tuesday my boss and I left the conversation with me needing to figure out what my calling is. I told him I need some more time to pray about it, but I think we both knew even then what conclusion I would come to. I appreciate his willingness to let me figure it out on my own and staying in the process with me. It's terrifying to think that in a few days (we meet again on Tuesday) that I am probably going to resign from this job. Not effective immediately, but at some point. He's already got a guy coming in this weekend to lead my services while I lead my co-worker's at the other location. I felt a little sick to my stomach talking to this guy yesterday. Especially when he really would rather just give the band lyric sheets with the chords written above the words... I have no idea how that's going to go over with my guys- all of whom are fairly spoiled with my notated charts explicitely showing the form of the song, dynamics etc. But whatever. Probably, it'll go off beautifully, even if my musicians hate the process, and they'll hire the guy starting June 1 or something.

I have no idea what might be next for me. I actually applied for a few jobs last night online. I don't actually expect to hear anything from any of them- I just figured it can't hurt. I think I would enjoy acting as an assistant neighborhood pastor to the new site, leading all the volunteers- but they just eliminated both assistant NP positions at our two locations, so I'm not really sure exactly how that's going to work... Mostly I'm trying to hold all of this with an open hand- something God taught me the value of a while ago. It's especially terrifying to face this with two kiddos, though.

Thanks to Amy & Happy Gram for responding to the last post with encouragement. I do really appreciate it. I agree with Happy Gram- our big churches are trying to do what they do to the best of their ability, and there's a lot of good in that. My husband has no interest in leaving my church, whether I'm on staff or not, so I think I need to keep looking for the good things resulting from Sundays, and seek whatever I feel is lacking either elsewhere, or try to create it within my church context in a different setting than Sundays. More to come after my next conversation with my boss... thank you for your prayers.