Time To Say Goodbye

I'm officially resigning/laid off from my job. I am just waiting to hear that they are 100% certain they are offering a job to this other guy, and what day he will start. Likely I will be done May 31.

The whole thing feels very surreal to me, and I can't help but continue to compare it to a break up. I'm all over the different stages of grief. Sometimes I'm at peace about it. But sometimes I'm anywhere from angry to sad to dumbfounded. I led the services at my co-worker's location on Sunday since he was out of town, and the services went fabulously. I left feeling so angry. I walked out knowing that I'm really good at my job (despite the arrogance that suggests) and I can't fucking believe they are letting me go. I still feel that most days.

This new guy they're bringing in is your very typical worship leader: he's white, male, in his 30's with a hip hair cut and fashionable jeans, and of course, he plays the acoustic guitar. He definitely fits the formula for success. It makes my stomach hurt a little bit.

As soon as I get the final word from the boys upstairs, I will be able to notify the rest of the staff and all of my volunteers. I have talked to a few close friends about it. They're all really shocked. For many, I'm hearing that they have felt uneasy about the changes at my church, and my being laid off confirms their fears. It seems almost more symbolic to them than anything else. Several people have told me that I somehow embody this culture of our church that we love, so it's a bigger deal to them that I was laid off- more so than just being bummed out for me.

I don't know what is next for me just yet. I've been applying for different jobs, but there's a part of me that is still mourning the loss of this job that I love- it makes it very difficult to objectively look at some other jobs that I will even just like, assuming I can tolerate it at all. I have been so unbelievably blessed to have a job I love so much. I never expected that, not being particularly career-minded, and there isn't a day that has gone by that I have taken it for granted. It's a bitter pill to swallow to know that I will likely have to join the ranks of millions of people that have to take whatever work they can to put food on the table. It's deeply depressing, but I realize very well that we have to do what we have to do, and I've been lucky to have enjoyed a job as long as I did. It's hard for me to be hopeful that God would provide something else remotely close to this job. I want to be faithful, but it's very hard.

Well, I need to be off to write my email to staff, volunteers and friends to give them the news. I know technically since I'm being laid off it really isn't my responsibility to tell everyone, but I just can't sit back and have everyone talking about me- it feels too much like I'm a victim. And while I certainly did not instigate these turn of events, I did have some say in them. I just need to feel like I have a sense of power in here somehow... Anyway. I'll try to post again when I have something new to share; hopefully it will be an idea of a new direction to head into. Peace for now.