Another follow up conversation with my boss. He pursued me after Tuesday's conversation because he felt, as I did, that we really didn't connect, and things still aren't very settled. Pretty intuitive for a guy who's usually relationally challenged. (Ok- sorry for the sarcasm. I'll park it here.)
He was very candid with me that he senses I'm just not excited or enthusiastic about the job. That's certainly true- lately I have been sitting in the planning meetings watching everyone else laugh at stupid humor, wondering why I'm not joining in. Certainly I'm not above stupid jokes. My enthusiasm for spending hours and hours in production/planning meetings is waning. What I love about my job is the people- music is the super-cool-i-love-this perk. I'd much rather spend a lot of time developing people. My boss said that the job is definitely moving towards full-time production.
He offered the new site as a possibility- one that we're hoping to launch in the next 12 months. It'll be smaller, which I like, and I love the guy who will be the neighborhood pastor. Working with him has been a blast thus far. I really dig the social action-neighborhood ethos he just oozes.
As I was processing a little bit with the girls in my supper club last night, I realized that actually, this possibility might be a great fit for me. I understand the ethos of our church culture better than almost anyone- maybe an ongoing roll for me would be to launch the new sites and raise up a leader to replace me. Then I would be in the smaller context I prefer, I'd get to influence the launch of the new location, and actively training new leaders, which I also love. It is certainly worth pursuing. I'm confident that the neighborhood pastor of the site we're hoping to launch soon would love to have me. I'm not so sure that future neighborhood pastors will necessarily feel the same- likely they'd want to start with a worship leader they've chosen and plan to keep around for a while. But it's worth talking about, I think.
I've been really bummed the last few hours, but there's a peace that God is in control of all of this. It's cliche, and I hate to use Christian cliches. There's really no other way to say it, though. There are only a few times that I have heard God speak very specific things to me. One of them was a few years back when my husband and I were planning to relocate. I heard God specifically say that it's not time for me to leave my church, and that when that time comes, I will know without any doubt, and it will be ok. There's a lot of peace in knowing that. It's pretty scary to think about losing my job- I don't have a ton to fall back on. I'll have to go scrounging around looking for extra pockets of trust in my life :)
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2 comments:
wow. thats big. and kinda cool. and kinda scary. cliche schmiche. sometimes you just have to bust one out.
glad to read your posts. i kept checking and wondered how the meeting went and thought maybe you'd blown a gasket or gotten fired! j/k
it sounds to me like what you are considering is really a match with you (yeah, like i know you so well, ha), at least in what i read.
planting, starting up, investing and in a small environment. sounds REALLY good to me! one of the things i've realized lately is that my HUGE mega-church with all the videos and skits and visuals and gimmicks and jumbo-trons is really ministering in the RIGHT way to the community that it serves. the service and the audience reflects the type of community it is nestled within. i do enjoy the 11:00 contemporary service (duttonband.com)because of the music although the message isn't as deep as i would like it to be. so until something or someone lights a fire under my feet, i'll keep attending. keep processing this thing and as a friend of mine said 'actively waiting with patience'. wow! and all at once! blessings! jan
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