I finally met with my boss yesterday for a follow up conversation from two months ago. I said that I felt a lot of the tension for me had to do with everything going through this evangelist lense, but that my role as a worship leader can't be so focused on the seeker group of people attending.
He goes, "Hmm. Well, I don't really think that's it."
Ooooo-K.
He feels like mostly what's happening is that I am mourning the loss of a size culture. Certainly, that's true. I don't know that that's all of it, but that is a part of it. I had hoped multi-site meant having lots of little churches all over our city. Clearly that isn't what it is going to look like for us, and I have to live with that. He said financially, he realized he couldn't make that model (lots of little churches) work, and he mourned that loss 2 years ago.
Overall it was a pretty good conversation, but not quite as "leave with that warm fuzzy feeling of mutual understanding and forgiveness" as I kind of had anticipated.
I think where that leaves me right now is trying to have more definition around what kind of culture we are trying to create. Definitely I'm mourning the loss of a culture- but it doesn't help to have no definition around where we are going. Or, maybe more accurately, I don't like what I THINK might be where my lead pastor is taking us. Perhaps my roll here is to help shape this future culture into something more palatable.
My boss readily admits he's more of a "just get out there and do it" kind of leader, rather than someone who wants to take time to be strategic about what we do, why, and how we get there. This makes me crazy to no end. And it burns me, and many others, out completely. I don't mind change, but I do have this nutty need for the change to be purposeful. If we come up with a plan, put it into action, and then realize that certain elements are not working, then by all means, let's go back to the table. But it feels much more whimsical, like, "hey- let's start a service! Just get some people and do it! Everything will come together!" And often, things do come together. But it won't be 6 months before the structure around what was started (or lack thereof) is evident and needs to be completely revamped, to the detriment of those who started it. They get a pat on the back at first- "Wow thanks for getting this up off the ground!" but then they also hear "But we're going to have to totally re-do how you did it." It's so defeating. My boss' opinion: but at least the service is off the ground. other churches or staffs would still be discussing how to do it, and would still be making adjustments and mistakes.
Anyway- that was sort of an aside rant. Sorry. Mostly, the purpose of me even mentioning it, is that for me to continue moving forward and following his leadership, I need to be able to exercise my strengths in strategic planning, putting some thought into what choices we are making and how they will impact our services, as well as the overall multi-site strategy of church growth. We'll see how welcome that input is.
One of the things I hope to do is spend some time in other churches, to get an idea of what is working well and what isn't. It has been so long since I have attended another church- I really don't know what all people are doing. Mostly I haven't cared all that much. But I am curious. Too bad there isn't any money out there to get to travel around. I may see what I can come up with.
He also mentioned that they may want me to go full time. I don't really know how I feel about that. Mostly it'll mean a lot of childcare for my kiddos. Which will be expensive. Just when we thought we were getting close to actually saving some money... I'm also afraid it will mean that I will have to disband my professional musicians, which would mega-suck. Have I posted about them? I'll have to do that. Another time.
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